Update and Stuff

November has been an amazing month for me. I feel bad saying that, because I never like to admit that things are going well. It’s one of those things where I think that if I say it out loud, I’ll jinx it or something.

It all started back in early November when I got to head down to the Boston Comedy Festival. I’ve never been to a festival before, so this was pretty cool. I had also never been to Boston before, so that was pretty cool too. I flew down on Sunday night and just relaxed at my hotel. Monday, I took care of some day job stuff in the morning and then shortly after noon, I took off to tour downtown Boston. What a nice city. I took a tour of Fenway Park, which was amazing. I would love to actually check out a game there one day. Certainly has a bit more atmosphere than the Rogers Center. After that, I bummed around Boston Common, Bunker Hill and of course, had to go have a beer at Cheers.

That night, I was supposed to meet up with an old buddy from university and we were going to check out the Bruins / Islanders game either live or at a pub somewhere. Unfortunately, about 5 o’clock, he messaged me and said that the trains running into the city from where he lives were canceled and he likely couldn’t make it down. That kind of sucked. But then I thought about it and said screw it. I went over to the TD Garden and found a scalper and ended up picking up a ticket for the game. Why not? I am in Boston, there is a game going on, my night’s plans fell through and really, when am I going to be in Boston again.

The ticket I picked up was 22 rows from the ice and the face value on it was $72. I got it for $85. Hell, the same ticket in Toronto has a face value on it of $165. So needless to say, I got a great deal, at least in my mind. Went to the game and what an atmosphere. Holy crap! Compared to going to a game at the ACC this was phenomenal. The crowd was into it from the drop of the puck, and the beers were only $7.50. I feel like I made money on the night.

The next day, I did some more touristy type stuff and then headed up to do my show at Davis Square Theater in, oddly enough, Davis Square, which is in Somerville, just north of the city. I will be honest in that it wasn’t my best set ever. I wasn’t bad, but I only had 5 minutes, and for some reason, I felt super rushed, and I think it showed. I got laughs in all the spots where I was supposed to, but probably not as strong a laugh as they would have been had I been more relaxed. After the show, I got to hang out and chat with a few of the Boston comics as well as the festival organizer. It was a great time and I’m very happy that I got the chance to do it. I think that if I do it again, I’ll fly in on the day of my show and stick around after to enjoy more of the festival.

On Wednesday, I flew back to Toronto and then drove up to Ottawa for a weekend of shows in Ottawa with Matt Bergman out of Buffalo and Jason Laurans. As always, a great week of shows, but the Saturday early show was unlike anything I’ve ever been part of. It was amazing!! The crowd was magical that night. The laughter, the applause, the pounding on the tables. It was truly unreal. Luckily though, we had a tired and drunk late show crowd which brought me back to earth and humbled me in a meaningful way. But even with that, I had an awesome weekend and am already looking forward to heading back there.

This past weekend, I had the pleasure of doing shows up at the Mansion House in Barrie with Barry Taylor and Chris Quigley. Everything I have heard about Barrie was true. I was doing one of my jokes where I have to dance around and some hillbilly yelled out for me to take off my shirt. People-there are just some things you can’t un-see. I can’t do that to an audience of people. But still, it was a fun weekend.

This coming weekend (November 23 -27) I’ll be at Absolute Comedy in Toronto hosting for Ward Anderson and Mike Takacs. I’m really looking forward to it and it should be a fun weekend. If you’re in town, you should drop on by.

Just what I needed!

Over the past couple of years, life has been so busy. I'm not complaining, but merely stating a fact. Between my day job, my relationship and wedding plans, hockey and other commitments, one of the things that has ended up getting pushed aside has been working on comedy. That doesn't mean I haven't been doing shows or working on my act, because I have. But I haven't been working on it as much as I probably should. I had gotten out of the habit of hitting open mic's on a weekly basis. And to be honest, a lot of the time I did go out, it ended up being a waste of time. So it almost became a self fulfilling thing where I began to wonder if it was worth leaving the house.

Well tonight I had a show that gave me reason and inspiration to get out an really start hustling again. I popped into Betty's to do a spot on Brian Coughlin's Corktown Comedy show. There wasn't much of a crowd, in fact there may not have been a real audience member there when it did my set. But it felt good. It felt alright. It felt like it used to. I decided that I wanted to really work on new stuff tonight. Not all of it worked. Hell, probably more than half of it didn't work. But one bit that I came up with a couple of weeks ago did.

I had forgotten what it feels like to have a new bit work right out of the gate. The bit is still small and has tons of room to grow, but I love it. And I love the feeling I got tonight. It reminded me of why I do comedy and why I don't think I could ever quit doing comedy.

Thank you Dunsford

Had the privilege of doing a show at the Nestle In Resort up in Dunsford, a little town just outside Bobcaygeon, which is a little town just north west of Peterborough. Shows at trailer parks are the types of shows that kind of scare you at first. You never really know what to expect. It could be a bunch of drunken hillbillies drinking moonshine right from the still, or in the case of Saturday, a great group of people who own RV's at a nice resort as a great way to get away for the weekend. Oh sure, some of them were drunk. Okay, most of them were drunk. And some may have been hillbillies, but dammit, they were a hell of a lot of fun.

I was on the show with Brian Hope and Andrew Evans. I know, shocking. I never work with those guys. But hey, I'll do a fun show with my friends any day of the week. Brian as MC was at his best, easily working the crowd, milking every laugh out of them. Evans as closer tore the roof off that barn with the highlight being his making fun of the guy with the eye patch. One of those things you had to be there to see. Me as middle, well, it may not have been my best show ever. Probably not even in my top 10, top 25, or even top 100. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't bad or anything, but I can be honest and say that I wasn't as sharp as I've been at other times. But if I were to rate shows on how much fun I had while being on stage, I would say that this one was easily in my top 5.

It was one of those shows where from the second I got on the stage, I was having fun. I was in the moment, just rolling with it, having a great time. It was one of those nights where I didn't have to worry if I was being me, or if I was being too dirty, or if I was doing too much time, or whatever, I could just relax, have fund and do what I do and that is tell jokes to people on stage. Oh sure, technically there are a ton of things I could have done better, crowd work for example but as far as having a great time on stage, I was on. The crowd seemed to enjoy themselves too, every joke seemed to hit reasonably well, which is as important as me having a good time. But for me, given that my last show was just a horrible experience from start to finish, this was just what I needed to remind me why I love doing comedy and how important doing comedy is to me.

What is the matter with people?

I did a show tonight at a place that shall remain nameless to protect the guilty. Tonight, there were 5 fundraisers in the building. The show started off well enough. The crowd was relatively attentive and seemed to listen. The opener went up and did okay for about 5 minutes. After that,  the crowd just started talking. At one point it got so bad that the opener said to a table of women "if you guys don't shut up, I am going to come over there and take a shit in your mouth." Classy. Needless to say,  the rest of his set was a bit of a struggle.

The host goes up and does what he does and then brings me up. From the second I got on stage, people were texting, and chatting. People who were listening were laughing but as more people started chatting and texting, it became more and more of a struggle. Again, people who were listening were enjoying the show, but I feel bad for them. They came to a show and didn't get as good a show as they could have because of the insensitive fucktards who were disrupting the show.

Here's a tip - if you want to chat and text, stay the fuck home. I would rather perform for 50 people who are interested in the show than 100 where half the crowd would apparently rather be anywhere but the show. And when you talk and text, you risk screwing up the entire show for everyone. So I guess what I'm saying is shut the hell up or I'll send them opener over to "take a shit in your mouth."

Peterborough Here I come!

I grew up in Peterborough. I'll be honest, when I lived there, I hated it. I couldn't wait to get the hell out of there. But now that I'm older, it's weird how much I really like the place. It's one of those places that I probably wouldn't hate living in again at some point in time. It's a nice little town. Probably not a bad place to raise a family. I was up there on Wednesday and driving around, it's amazing how much the place has changed, yet how much of it is still the same. All the crazy memories come flooding back - playing hockey at the tennis courts on Barnardo Ave, Thursday night movies at the zoo, , trying to steal the population sign, passing out and sleeping the night in King Edward Park (I've never been more proud!), late nights on the river in a boat, and of course my years spent working at the Beer Store on Lansdowne. Everywhere I went in town, I was "the beer guy". Even 10 years after I left, I was in a bar and some dude called me "the beer guy".

So on Saturday night, it will be fun to head "home" and do a show at Johnny Eh's on Water Street. On the show with me are two of my very good friends, Brian Hope and Andrew Evans. I'm hosting, so I'm not sure whether I'll do my regular stuff, or whether I'll tell a bunch of stories about growing up there. I guess we'll have to see how I feel when I get there. But it will be a fun show. And after, maybe we'll head on down the street to Riley's to see if I can't pull a Sebastain Bach and get tossed out of the place for being totally shitfaced and mocking the piano player and spitting wine on the manager. Or maybe I can head on down to the Red Dog and see what local celebs are passed out at the bar. Or maybe I'll just watch a bit of CHEX TV and reminisce about the olden days when they couldn't get the weather forecast right. Wednesday was such a long time ago.

Good times. See you Saturday Peterborough!

I’m fading away to nothing`

That's right kiddies, I've been on a health kick since the start of the year and I'm now down close to 20 pounds. I knew I was fat, but you don't realize how fat you are until you're not as fat as you were. Shirts seem to fit better. My gut doesn't hang over my belt the same way it did before. Although, I'm a little pissed, I bought a really nice belt from the big man's store last year, and in the next few months, if thing keep going the way they're going, I'm going to have to get a new belt. That's just bullshit!

I had lost a ton of weight before by doing Atkins. Atkins is not a bad way to do it, but it's tough to keep it off. When I did Atkins I lost 60 pounds in 9 months. Sure, cutting carbs is a great way to shed pounds, but once you break an ankle and are on crutches eating nothing but pizza and drinking beer for 12 weeks, it's amazing how quickly that weight comes back. I think I put on about 30 pounds in 12 weeks, and then slowly put about a total of 75 back on over the next couple of years. So this time around, I thought I'd try something different and radical. It's called portion control. Have you ever heard of it? Under this crazy scheme, I'm eating the total calories I would need if I weighed my ideal weight. Based on that, I apparently need about 2400 calories per day. So I'm right now trying to only eat between 2,000 and 2,250 per day, and amazingly, the weight's been coming off. Not nearly as quickly as it did before mind you, but at least by doing it this way, once the weight is off, I should theoretically be used to eating the right number of calories per day so I should be able to keep it off. We'll see.

I do need to be careful not to lose too much though. I bought a tux for my wedding in August and I'm dangerously close to not being able to wear it. I'm all for getting healthy, but I'm also cheap. I need to find the right balance.

I’m Apparently way too Dirty for Comedy

I recently had the opportunity to play some shows at a comedy club. To be honest, I've kind of had a rough time at this particular club, at least compared to the stories I hear from other comics. For whatever reason, I had been having a tough time getting the crowd to like me on a consistent basis. That had pretty much changed the last couple of times I was there, and this time around, judging by crowd response and the number of people who came up to me afterwards and told me that they loved me. Apparently they liked me. I was now getting solid laughs on pretty much every joke I told. It's a nice feeling. I even had the booker/owner tell me after the Friday show that one of his regulars who had been to well over 60 shows thought our Friday night show was one of the best he had ever seen.

So imagine my surprise when I am chatting with the booker/owner after the last show and he tells me that I'm way too dirty for his club and if I want to work there again, I basically need to rewrite my entire act. In his opinion, my act is pure filth. It is apparently filled with nothing but shit jokes and vulgar, dirty sex jokes. Now I will be the first to admit that I am not a squeaky clean comic. I am probably not even in the top 100 for a clean corporate show, but I am not way too dirty to work a comedy club. Yes, I have two jokes, and one line about poo. I have a joke about my dog eating shoelaces, a joke about bowel buddies and a line about my most recent physical. That is it. In total, we're looking at maybe 3 minutes of material out of my act. Maybe. And this time around, I was very cognizant to not do all of them on the same night. I did actually on the amateur night when I needed to use a lot more of my material, and I did on one of the weekend shows when I ended up having to do about 35 minutes all told. So yeah, on those shows, I had probably 3 minutes of shit jokes.

As far as the vulgar dirty sex jokes, I think that I might use the term vagina once in my act. I have even recently been using the term Hoo-Ha just to take the edge off of it. Yeah, I do have some sexual references, but none of them are vulgar or explicit. I would say that maybe half of my jokes (and that's probably over estimating), have some reference to sex in them. Most of the jokes are about how I'm an idiot when it comes to those things. They are not sexist or homophobic in any way. Also, I should point out that while I do occasionally swear in my act, it is not excessive, and in fact on a lot of shows, I only swear on two jokes I tell, and depending on the venue, I may not even swear then. So I really don't understand where this perception of me being a dirty filthy comic is coming from.

And here's an even more interesting fact about my latest visit. I brought in maybe 5 to 7 minutes of new material that I didn't do my last time around at the club, and they were clean with no sexual overtones or shit references. Yet this time around, I'm way too dirty. I don't get it.

But probably the most frustrating part in all of this is that I really didn't get a good chance to talk to the booker / owner after the fact. I never got a chance to really defend myself. I really don't know what to do. So, I guess I'll just start writing nothing but jokes about Tim Horton's, the difference between men and women, and of course the old staple, airline food.

Things I’ve learned

This past weekend, my fiancé and I spent the weekend in Niagara Falls. It was so nice to get away for the weekend. But more importantly, I learned a few very valuable life lessons. They are:

1. Leaving my house to drive to Niagara Falls at 4 PM on the Friday before March break is not a good idea. But the upside, we were able to turn a drive that normally takes an hour and a half into a 3 hour drive. You can't do that every day.
   
2. When playing video blackjack, it is important, nope, make that critical, that you actually pay attention to how much you're betting. I was doing well, making some money. Hell, I'm a high roller (coincidentally the name of my Thursday night hockey team too – The High Rollers). I was playing $20 – CANADIAN. That's like $20.60 American. Anyway, I had turned my $20 into about $42. I got cocky thinking this game was going to pay for our whole trip, and then all of the sudden, over the course of 4 hands I was down to $2. WTF? Well apparently, if you're not careful, your bet keeps getting pushed higher so instead of betting $1 or $2 per hand, you're betting $10. It's good if you win, but if you suck at the game like me, it kind of hurts.
   
3. When filling up the Jacuzzi tub, it is important that you wait until you wait until the water level is over the jets before you turn it on, otherwise you will need a mop and a squeegee, and the towels hanging 10 feet across the room that were previously dry will need to be wrung out over the tub.
   
4. Apparently bubble bath in a Jacuzzi tub is also a no no. Lesson learned.
   
5. Everybody in Niagara Falls wants a tip. People there must be the lowest paid people in the world because everybody had their hand out for a tip. Hey, if you're a server and do a good job, I will tip you handsomely. If you're a bus driver, sorry pal, no tip for you. But the absolute best was in the bathroom at the old casino. There was a "Tip Jar" in the bathroom. There were no bathroom attendants, or other staff anywhere to be found, yet there was a tip jar. And here's the worst part, there was money in it. Real live folding money - $5 Bills, $10 Bills and even a $20 Bill. How big of a mess did a dude make that he felt obligated to leave a $20 tip to nobody?
   
6. The Outback Steakhouse is overpriced and shitty when compared to the Keg. $11 for a Cesar? Really? And that is without naked ladies dancing around a pole! Unbelievable!
   
7. Cheesy haunted houses scare me. Always have. Always will. I remember one time I was about 11 and was in the falls with my family. My sister who was about 6 at the time wanted to go into a haunted house. So, my dad pays the admission and we walk down the stairs. When the door opened and I saw that it was dark, I totally freaked out. While my 6 year old sister enjoyed the haunted house, I sat in the ticket booth with the lady until my family was done. Incidentally, that's some pretty good parenting when my parents would leave me with a complete stranger in a ticket booth rather than miss out on a haunted house. No wonder I'm messed up.
   

That is all.

Shameless Begging for a good cause!

As you may know, I'm playing in the upcoming Baycrest Pro/Am hockey tournament which helps raise money for Alzheimer's research. It is a great tournament where you get to play with and against former NHL players, with all proceeds going to the Baycrest Foundation. If you'd be at all interested in sponsoring me in this worthy cause, please make your donation at http://my.e2rm.com/personalPage.aspx?SID=2879907&Lang=en-CA

I also have raffle tickets available for sale. There are a few prizes including premium raptors tickets as well as dugout seats for the Blue Jays home opener. Tickets are $25 each or 4 for $100. If you're interested in purchasing a ticket, email me at dave@davepaterson.ca.

Thanks!

It was in Bobcaygeon

This past weekend, I had a show up in Bobcaygeon, which was a fundraiser for the Sturgeon Falls Thunder hockey team. I was hosting the show with the hilarious Nile Seguin headlining with Tyler Morrison doing the middle spot. We tried unsuccessfully to get Bobcaygeon fan favourite Angry Andrew Evans to do a spot, but he wasn't up for it. That's fine though, we didn't need him anyway. The crowd was fun. Hell, anytime you can get 150 drunken hockey parents in a lounge at the local arena, you know you're in for a treat! Sadly, or fortunately, depending on how you look at it, I wasn't propositioned for a 3-some.

The only downside of the night was the drive home. During the show a snowstorm had rolled through and made driving a bit of a challenge. I hate to sound like a pussy, whining about driving in Canada in the winter, but let's face it, I am a pussy about driving in winter in Canada. I'm not sure what the worst part of the drive was, the country roads that hadn't seen a plow yet or the 401 where it was a free for all with the lane choices. I think we must have seen about half a dozen cars that had driven into the median. But, we made it home okay and nobody got hurt. I did end up missing last call though, so I really wasn't too happy about that.

I also did a fun little show last night at a place called the Charlotte Room. It is a monthly show organized by Robin Crossman and Chris MacLean. It runs on the last Monday of the month. It was a very solid lineup with funny comics like Andrew Evans, Todd Van Allen, and Brendan McKeigan. It was fun. Drinks were too expensive, but the show was good. Fortunately, I was still a little "tender" from Sunday when I ended up going out for a "couple of beers" to send Dave Tsonos off, who has decided to leave the beach and become homeless in his quest for comedy fame. I'm likely buying a new TV in the next few days, so I'll be sure to keep the box for him so he'll have someplace to play when he gets back from his western tour. I should have known it was going to be a troublesome night when I uttered those words, "I don't think it'll be a late night." WRONG. Oh well, what can you do?

This coming weekend I'm doing a couple of shows. I'm hosting Balmy Comedy at the Fill Station in the beaches. It's a mix of standup and sketch. Show starts at 8, so you know "it won't be a late night" (wink, wink). Saturday, I'm doing Club 54. Still not sure if I'm headlining or middling, but I'm doing a spot anyway. Should be fun.

I’ve discovered these things called books

Have you heard of these things? They're like movies that haven't been filmed yet. But in all seriousness, I would like to kick my Grade 10 English teacher, Mr. Passmore, right in the balls. In school, I was always more of a math, business, accounting type of a student. I had no interest in literature or poetry or any of that shit. So I would really struggle to read any of the books in English class. They were boring, lame, and just seemed like a waste of time. And then when I did read the book, I was made to feel like I was an idiot because I didn't understand the symbolism. Well excuse me for not knowing that a red sky at night symbolized the end of an era or some bullshit like that. Who the hell cares? To me, the red sky at night symbolized the sun was going down. Apparently you can't take things literally in literature and if you do, you're a tool. So because of that, I vowed never to read a book again. That bastard had taken all of the fun out of it for me.

So since then, I've read, but it has always been as research for jobs, or projects, or jokes and stuff. To me, reading was not fun because I "didn't get it". In fact, from the time I was in Grade 10 until January 3 of this past year, I had not read a complete book, and I had never picked up a book as recreation. I read the newspaper, magazines and gossip websites, but never a book. Hell, if the book was that good, they'd make it into a movie and all would be right in the world. However, thanks to the whole Conan / Jay Leno fiasco and a book entitled "The Battle for Late Night" by Bill Carter, all of that changed. I was thoroughly engrossed in that book. It was interesting. It was very cool. I enjoyed reading that book so much that I even downloaded a Kobo Reader App for my netbook and my Blackberry and I've been reading tons for the past few weeks. Hell, I've finished about 4 books so far this year. In a month and a half, I've read more than I had in my entire life up until the end of last year. Most of what I've been reading have been bios from Comedians and Musicians. I guess I'm very interested in the subject matter, so it helps. I've found that it's actually not a bad way to unwind before bed. I wish I'd have known that before.

Anyway, if you know any good books I should read, let me know. I may just actually read them.

Adventures in Healthcare

So it looks as though the saga of my knee continues. Yesterday, when I was at the clinic being told I was too fat to get an x-ray, I was told that I should check out the hospital. So, I called the hospital this morning looking to book an appointment. However, the hospital will not my book an appointment from me directly, it must come from the doctor. So, I called the doctor to book the x-ray appointment for me, however the clinic tells me that the doctor who saw me yesterday won't be in the office until next week and that I should just go over to the hospital myself and visit the emergency room. You know, because a knee injury that happened a month ago is definitely an emergency. Wow, health care at its finest.

So, I load up the car and head out to the hospital hoping to get an x-ray. I walked into the emergency room and it looks as though it is an extras casting for the AMC show The Walking Dead. There are people littered all around the room with various fluids oozing out of their heads, moaning, crying, looking as white as ghosts. There are also a handful of men sitting around with various parts of their body elevated sitting beside a worried looking woman. I wonder who is making them go to the hospital? I'm also told that there is at least a 2 to 3 hour wait.

I end up talking to an EMT dude who refers me to a clinic just around the corner. I pop in and explain my knee situation to the doctor, who then pulls out his handy referral sheet to send me for an x-ray. When I see his referral sheet is to the clinic that I was going to yesterday, I say "I can't go to that clinic because I was there yesterday and am apparently too fat for an x-ray." The doctor looked at me with quite a sense of puzzlement. He said "you are not too fat for an x-ray. Sure, you are overweight. Yes, your knee is a little bit swollen, but that shouldn't be a problem." I then explained the situation that their table can only hold up to 250 pounds. Again, he looks at me with one of the more confused looks on ever seen from a human being and he said "but it is an x-ray clinic. They take x-rays. How can their table only hold 250 pounds? X-ray tables are huge." Exactly!

Although, to be honest, I'm not so sure I really trust the doctor. When he started looking at my knee, he seemed to be having too much fun poking around with the fluid on it saying "I can see that it is squishy. Look. It is all squishy." I am not a doctor. I do not play a doctor on TV. In fact, I do not even watch Dr. shows on TV. That said, I am pretty sure that squishy is not a medical term. Not exactly a way to instill confidence in your abilities there Doc. But, the upside, in 3 to 5 business days I will have wonderful pictures of my knee. Hopefully, I can keep it.

Danforth/Main X-Ray Can kiss my fat ass!!

So yesterday, after what has been a few weeks with my banged up knee, I finally went to the doctor at a local walk in clinic. The pain is pretty much gone, but the fluid just doesn't seem to want to go away. So the doctor sends me to an X-Ray clinic across the street. I get there and wait about 45 minutes. After 45 minutes, I get in and they do an ultrasound on my knee. I guess the swelling is such that they wanted to see the sex of the baby I'm carrying in my knee. After that, they put me in a little a little cubicle where I wait for another 15 minutes for my X-Ray. After about 15 minutes, the lady at the X-Ray Clinic comes over and asks how much I weigh. I tell her, and then she says "Oh. That's going to be a problem. Our X-Ray table can only hold 250 pounds." AT AN X-RAY CLINIC? Are you shitting me? Look, I know I'm a fat piece of shit, but you're telling me that an X-Ray Clinic, place who's only purpose is to take X-Rays of people only has a table that can support 250 pounds!!! Unfuckingbelievable. She then tells me "you can try Toronto East General. They have a table that can support up to 500 pounds." I said "thanks. That gives me time to hit the buffet." By the time I lose enough weight to fit on their table my knee will either be healed or have fallen off.

Insert Witty Title Here

I love this time of year in hockey. All the trades that get done, all leading up to the annual snoozefest known as Trade Deadline Day! But if nothing else, it gives me a good reason to take an afternoon off work. Like I need a reason – "it's sunny. Well then I'd better take the afternoon off and enjoy it." "We're out of cheese. Well I can't work under these conditions."

I see that Ottawa sent Fisher to Nashville. He probably wanted to go there for his wife, country singer Carrie Underwood. Now maybe it's just me, but wouldn't it be funny, hilarious and ironic if the NHL moved Nashville to Quebec or Winnipeg? If you think Ms. Underwood didn't like Ottawa, imagine her in Quebec City. I'm sure she'll fit in nicely there.

The Leafs sent Versteeg to the Flyers for a draft pick that Burke is now going to trade away. Nice work Burkie. Nice work. I also hear that Kaberle is willing to be traded to Boston. Maybe with any luck Burke can trade Kaberle for the draft picks he gave up when he picked up Kessel. Then he can maybe trade those away to pick up somebody useful like Chris Chelios or maybe Gretzky.

What a “Lively” weekend

This weekend, I had the privilege of performing alongside Winston Spear and Dave Tsonos up in Lively. If you've never been to Lively, it's a nice little town just south of Sudbury. The show was part of the Walden Winter Carnival. The show was a lot of fun. Hell, anytime you get to tell jokes in front of 350 people who want to laugh, it's always a pleasure. Not to mention, I got to perform with Tsonos and Winston. I have seen Winston a few times and every time he never fails to deliver. If you've never seen him, get off your ass and do it. He starts his set with a hilarious dance and then moves nicely into very funny, clever jokes. I am amazed at how this man's mind works. It was truly a pleasure to watch.

After the show, Tsonos and I hit the "club scene" in Sudbury. We ended up at a place called the Night Club. What an original name! We get there and there is a band playing pop punk stuff like Green Day and Blink 182. Then they started to do heavy versions of Lady Gaga and other poppy shit. Hilarious and oddly catchy. But I would say the highlight of the night was the fact that attached to the Night Club was Sudbury's strip joint Diamonds. I have never seen anything like this before. The only thing separating the strip joint from the regular bar was a doorway that didn't even have a door. What a concept – take your date out for a few drinks and if things aren't going well, sneak into the strip club every once in a while to catch a glimpse of some naked ladies. I guess you'd hope she's not doing the same thing. Earlier in the night Tsonos was commenting that he never went to strip joints and it wasn't really his thing. Yet he was the one checking it out every 10 minutes looking for a show. I showed considerably more restraint and only checked every 20 minutes to see if there was a show going on. Sadly, we did not get to see any of the strippers do their thing, although I did catch a glimpse of one of the strippers – picture me in a bikini. Now you don't have to go to Diamonds. You're welcome.

With most road trips with comics, the best part of the trip is the car ride. Anytime you have 3 or 4 comics in a car for several hours on end, it can be very entertaining. I've often thought that it would make for a great TV show to rig a car up with cameras and just let the comics go for the length of a road trip. It would make for a very funny show. This trip was no exception. Some of the things that Winston was coming up with were unbelievable. Very funny stuff.

My next big show is in Bobcaygeon on February. 26. I don't know much more than that, but I'll definitely keep you posted.

I actually got good service from the Ontario Government!!

If you've read my blog recently, you know that I fell and banged up my knee pretty good. Another cool / gross thing that's been happening is I've had an accumulation of fluid on my knee too. It's like having grandma's famous jello growing on my kneecap. It's actually mildly entertaining just to sit on the couch and poke the knee to watch it jiggle. It has a different jiggle than my belly, which is probably why it amuses me so much. Anyway, the fluid was there for about a week and I finally decided maybe I should get it looked at. One problem – my wallet got stolen last October and I didn't have my healthcard. So, I head off to the local Ministry of Health to get a new one.

Well, apparently my card had been expired for a while because according to the Ministry, I was "VOID" in their system. In other words – I was dead to them. I know of a few people to whom I am dead, but I never put the Ministry of Health in that group. I thought we'd always got along relatively well. I paid my taxes, I didn't go to the doctor for every ache, pain or fracture. I thought we had a good thing going. Apparently I was wrong. I even asked the guy if I could get a rebate on my taxes because I was paying for something I wasn't eligible for. He wasn't amused and grumbled something to the effect of "it doesn't work that way, but nice try. NEXT!"

Anyway, the guy at the counter told me that I had to go to another office to get UNVOIDED. I get in the office and it's just crazy packed. I could not believe the crowds. The only thing that would have brought in more people was if Justin Bieber was doing an autograph signing. I checked it out, and I don't think he was there. Although if he was, his demographic is a hell of a lot different than I would have thought. I thought he appealed to the 'tween set, not middle aged people from all corners of the world.

I explain to the guy at the front desk my plight, and how I'd been sent there from another office, and out of the kindness of his heart, he gave me a priority ticket so I didn't have to wait in the full line. I was in and out of there in less than 10 minutes. Thankfully - because it would have likely taken me three hours to work through that mass of humanity. Another positive to come out of this, in the time since I woke up yesterday and picked up my temporary healthcard, the swelling has gone down considerably. Who knows, maybe even one day I might be able to play hockey again.

You gotta have dreams kids. You gotta have dreams.

Just another manic Monday

Monday started out just like any other Monday – slowly. I'd rather be sleeping or really anywhere else than slugging it over to my desk and trying to get motivated to work. But, things need to get done. Don't get me wrong, I really enjoy my day job. Hell, I work for myself, I work from home, I'm slowly building a strong reputation in the mutual fund industry, people like what I do, I make okay money, I get quoted in the press all the time (http://www.theglobeandmail.com/globe-investor/personal-finance/rrsp/top-eight-picks-from-four-fund-watchers/article1897868/), and most days, I don't even need to wear pants. I do wear pants – usually short or sweats or something comfortable, but I don't have to.

The thing that I find about Mondays is that it's not that I'm particularly unmotivated, it's just that when you first sit down at the desk, look at the to do list, things get a bit overwhelming. Add to it the fact that I had a fun weekend performing at Absolute Comedy and now am back to the real world, Monday just seemed so tough. But then around 11 am, I get a call from one of the mutual fund companies I work with on a regular basis. The guy seemed almost panicked and wanted to know if I wanted to go to the Leaf game with him. He also offered to take me out for steaks. I said yes, and didn't want to tell him that he had me at free leaf tickets. Yes, technically they are free, but going to these games is still work. I'm not complaining, just stating a fact. The companies like to take me to the games because they get me for 4 to 5 hours where we can talk mutual funds and other business. It's not all work, but it is work. You can't get hammered and start a fight with people, you have to behave and be on the ball for most of it. Again, not complaining, but rather stating a fact.

This game was the first one after Phil Kessel made his "it's just not working out here" and "Me and Ron don't talk" comments. I like Phil. I think he's a good player who can usually score. I also respect him as a person with the way he fought through his cancer a few years ago. But man, watching him play on Monday, he just looked bored. There were a few flashes of why Burke picked him up, but largely, he looked as interested in the game as the people in the platinum seats – as in not at all. But the Leafs pulled it out, it was a good game, and the steak was awesome. I'm still drooling when I think about it. But then again, I always drool when I think about steak. Mmm. Steak. If the rest of this post is full of typos, it's because there is drool stuck in my keyboard.

My knee is still filled with fluid. But when I went to go to the doctor to get it looked at, I realized that I still hadn't replaced my health card from when my wallet got stolen last year. So looks like today will be a fun filled day of dealing with government bureaucracy trying to get a replacement. We'll see how that goes. With any luck, it will actually be less painful than my knee. Today though, it actually feels like the fluid is draining. I guess we'll see how it goes. Wish me luck!

Absolute Comedy!

I just finished up a great weekend at Absolute Comedy here in Toronto. The shows, with the exception of the Sunday show were all great. Sundays show was the lightest one of the weekend, which is not surprising given that it was going head to head with the Superbowl. But still, even though the crowd was small, they still had a good time.

Over the weekend I had the opportunity to work with Denis Grignon and Ali Hassan. With the three of us, it was a pretty good mix. Denis tends to be smart and clean, Ali is energetic, and I'm just me. But between the three of us, there was a little bit of everything. That's what makes the Absolute Comedy shows so good is that the owner, Jason, tends to actually pay attention to the comics he puts on a show. He does this to make sure that there is a good mix, so even if you don't like one comic, there is a good chance you'll like one of the others on the show.

Weekends like that are always great. But now I'm sitting and trying to pick a highlight, and I don't know that I can. All of the shows were pretty good. I guess if I had to pick my favourites, it would be a toss up between the two sell outs; the Friday show and the Saturday early show. Fun crowds in both and the energy in the room was phenomenal.

After a weekend like that, I am torn. On one hand, I can't wait to get back on stage again, but on the other side, I know that there is a good chance that no matter where I perform, it likely won't be as good as working at the club. Lucky for me, my next gig is up near Sudbury at the Walden Winter Carnival and from what I hear, it's a hell of a good time as well. I'm really looking forward to that on Friday, and I get to work with Dave Tsonos and Winston Spear.

FlamboroughReview.com: News: Story: Lions roar – with laughter

FlamboroughReview.com: News: Story: Lions roar – with laughter

Pro / Am Night

Last night, I was at Absolute Comedy in Toronto hosting their Pro/Am night. About 120 brave souls dug themselves out from the 8 cm of snow we had received and made it out for the show. If you've never been to a Pro/Am night, I have to tell you, you should check it out. The Pro/Am is essentially the club's amateur night, but unlike other amateur nights, the night is closed off by the weekend's headliner who usually does a 20-25 minute spot. Also, you will typically have 5 or 6 comics in addition to the headliner. This format is great in that the audience gets decent variety of some of the city's amateur comics doing their best stuff in hopes of being offered weekend opening spots, and you get a professional giving you a taste of the weekend show. Not to mention, the admission price is only $6. The other thing which makes these shows fun is that you really never know what you are going to get. You could see some of the best comedy you've seen. You could also see a train wreck. Last night was a very fun show from start to finish. All of the comics did well and the crowd was really into it.

I haven't hosted at the club in a while. The last few times I've been there, I've middled. In a typical show you'll have a host, a middle and a headliner. The middle usually does 20 to 25 minutes. I really like middling. It's a great way to build up and tighten my "act". But I've middled the last couple of times so I wanted to host this time around. Hosting is also a lot of fun, but it's a more challenging role. You have to be more in the moment, and have to set the tone for the show. You have to play to the crowd and really control the room. Arguably, hosting is the most challenging spot on a show. Headlining can be tough because you need so much material to do it well, but hosting is a much different beast. Hosting forces you to exercise different comedy muscles.

Not having hosted a "proper" comedy show in a few months I was worried that I'd be rusty. Well, luckily for me, and for the audience, it was like riding a bike, except I wasn't wearing spandex shorts and I didn't run out of breath. Okay I did, but that was after my dance dance bit which is to be expected. I really need to work on that. The crowd wasn't overly chatty, but I was able to bring a couple of people into it and it led me into a couple of my bits about relationships. So while I didn't get as much of a chance to spritz as much as I would have liked, it was still a lot of fun. I am looking forward to hosting at the club for the rest of the weekend with Denis Grignon and Ali Hassan. Throughout the week there will also be a few very funny comics dropping by for spots including the hilarious Deb DiGiovanni, who is scheduled to drop in on Sunday night.

Baycrest Pro / Am

I am once again playing in the Baycrest Pro/Am Hockey Tournament for Alzheimer's research. I'm not really one for begging, but if you'd be so kind as to consider sponsoring me in this great event for a great cause, please visit my personal site at http://my.e2rm.com/personalPage.aspx?registrationID=1059545

As mentioned earlier, I'm also looking at setting up a couple of fundraisers to help raise some money. More details to follow.

Thanks

This is it??

So this is it? This is "Snowmageddon 2011"? Really? Yesterday the weather people on the TV couldn't tell us fast enough how bad it was going to be. First, it was going to be 15 to 20 cm of snow. Then, it was going to be 20 to 30 cm, and then early in the afternoon, I was hearing that it was going to be 30 to 40 cm in Toronto. Right outside my door. I'd be snowed in for weeks, or hours. It was going to be like nothing we've seen in years. We were told to make sure we had our winter tires on our car. We were told to have an emergency kit ready. We were told that there could be power outages. It was going to get ugly. Then, I woke up and there was 8 cm of snow on the ground. Oh my, call the army! 8 cm. What the hell? How can we survive? Oh the humanity!!!

I know that other parts of the province got the snow that we were supposed to get. And I know that it was a pretty shitty drive for my fiancé Sam who had to drive out to Oshawa (about 40 minutes on a good day) at 4 in the morning for her job as the newslady on CKDO radio (1580AM and 107.7FM). But even with the brief periods of shit, this did not live up even close to the hype. They were only half right from their first snowfall projection and only 20% right for their highest forecast. A 20% accuracy rate – that's something to be proud of! And it seems that every time there is a storm a brewing, the TV stations have to fall all over each other trying to tell us how bad it's going to be. I guess they need to do something to justify the money they spend on weather jeeps and fancy graphics. But really, it's gotten to the point where I don't believe a word they say anymore. Remember H1N1? That was supposed to kill us all, yet I think more people died from the common cold than died from H1N1. Sound the alarms!

And it's not just the media where I see this overblown hype. I see it all the time. Everything is the "most dramatic yet", "worst you've ever seen", or "best show ever". I think we all need to take a step back and manage expectations a bit better. A good example is a comedy show that I got an invite to. It is billed as the "Superstars of Comedy". Now I don't know about you, but if I heard that the Superstars of Comedy were coming, I'd be looking for names like Chris Rock, Louis C.K., Jerry Seinfeld. Real superstars. Instead, we see a bunch of funny guys putting on a show. They are funny, and it'll be a decent show, but they aren't exactly superstars. I'm not picking on those guys, but that's just the latest example I have seen. It happens all the time. In this case, it'll be a good show, but in a lot of other instances, it will be a giant steaming piece of shit show and if some poor unsuspecting person walks into that show and sees the train wreck, and thinks that's what comedy is like, they'll be reluctant to go see a real comedy show at a place like Absolute Comedy, Yuk Yuks, Second City or the Comedy Bar, just to name a few.

Why don't we all try to do a bit better job of under promising and over delivering? Why don't we try to do a better job of telling it like it really is? Maybe that will lead to less disappointment and more realistic expectations from all of us. Maybe I'm just bitter and disillusioned. Okay, no maybe about it.

So, with that in mind, you absolutely have to get your sweet ass (I'm assuming it's sweet. I'm just trying to be hip and cool like the kids.) down to Absolute Comedy tonight at 8:30 for what will undoubtedly be the most amazing comedy show you will see tonight on Yonge Street. There will be laughs. There will be tears. It will change you in ways that only yesterday were unfathomable. I will host, Denis Grignon will close the show and in between will be 5 or 6 of the most amazing mix of professional and amateur comics performing at Absolute Comedy tonight. Drop by if you can get out of your house. It'll be fun. That's the truth.

I'm Old

I had to get a haircut today and as I was waiting I was reminded of a funny thing that happened when I got my hair cut in the summer.

As you may or may not know, I am engaged to an amazing woman. Another thing you may or may not know is that there is a pretty big age difference between Sam and I. Its big enough that guys on my hockey team routinely give me high 5's like I'm some kind of a "playa". It may look that way on paper, but if you see Sam and I together, the difference isn't that noticeable. She's very mature, and I am, well how do I put this nicely, am nowhere near being mature. Its like I'm stuck in my early 20's. Sam also looks a bit older than she is and I look a bit younger than I am, so we kind of "Benjamin Button" it and kind of meet in the middle.

Anyway, one day in the summer, I'm waiting with Sam at the local "salon" (aka First Choice). I'm talking to the lady cutting my hair looks over at Sam and asks, loud enough for everybody in the place to hear, if Sam was "my daughter". Now I don't get embarrassed too easily, but for some reason that did it. Sam was beaming from ear to ear because she was starting to feel like she was looking real old. Who would have thought a trip to First Choice could fix that up? How often does somebody walk into First Choice and feel better about themselves when they leave? Not often.

But I will say this, the haircut must have done some good because that weekend at the Jays game I got asked for I'd by a beer vendor. Either they thought I looked like I was under 30 or they were seeing if I qualified for the seniors discount.

I hate haircuts.

Snowmageddon - We'll See

So I wake up this morning and all the weather forecasters are now calling for between 30 and 35 cm of snow by tomorrow night. Haven't we heard this before? Every time there is more than 3 cm heading our way, the world is coming to an end, according to these weather clowns. Halt any and all necessary travel and stock up on canned goods, we're all doomed. As a group weather forecasters are almost as bad as the WHO with their semi annual flu pandemic warnings.

How much snow will we get? I have no idea. I just hope we can all get through this. Enjoy your shoveling.

Small Town Bringdown

Saturday night, I finally figured out where my show was, it was at the Lion's Club in Waterdown, which is a little town of about 15,000 just outside of Hamilton. Nothing like leaving it to the last minute. Anyway, with the address in hand, I plugged it into the GPS and headed out. I get there about an hour before the show and find out that it's sold out. The room holds about 250 or so, so this should be a good show. I was performing with Brian Hope, who was hosting, and Darryl Purvis, or Darren as he's now known after Friday night, closed the show up.

I have to be honest, I love performing in small towns. Don't get me wrong, I love the clubs in the big cities, but there is just something really cool about a small town. I don't know whether it's that they are just bored and happy for the entertainment, or whether they can tell I'm really just a small town guy who happens to live in the big city, or what, but man, I have a lot of fun at those shows. Saturday turned out to be no exception. I'll be honest in that I probably didn't have my best set ever, but man it was fun. The crowd was friendly and generous, and just a treat. I can't wait for my next small town show, which will be February 11, when I am performing up in Lively, which is apparently just outside of Sudbury.

I am also looking forward to this week. From Wednesday to Sunday I'm hosting at Absolute Comedy in Toronto. I am working with Denis Grignon, who is a very funny, and a very nice man, and Ali Hassan, who is middling. I have never worked with Ali, but have heard great things and am really looking forward to it. The big unknown is the weather. According to the news, we have Snowmageddon on its way which will hit us on Wednesday with anywhere from 10 to 30 cm of snow. Hopefully it won't be too bad. Oh sure, I'd love a snow day from the day job (I work from home), but I sure hope it doesn't hit us too hard. I would hate to have a blizzard screw up the show. Oh well. I guess we'll just have to wait and see. Worst case scenario I have a few bottles of booze, some steaks in the fridge and some propane for the BBQ, so I'm good for a few days if I get snowed in.

Technology can go kiss my ass

Today was one of those days where I wake up really motivated, look at my to-do list and think "this is going to be the day!" I don't have any meetings planned, I'm not hungover, all the information I need to get stuff done is here, it's a grey and miserable day outside, the coffee is hot. What more could I ask for? Really? What more?

The only glitch in my day is that I need to change the ink cartridges in my printer. No biggie right? Pull it out, put it in. I've done that before, although if you ask my fiancé, she'll tell you not nearly enough, if you know what I mean, nudge, nudge, wink, wink. But like with most things, I manage to screw it up. I changed the cartridges, and then for some strange reason my whole computer crashes. I finally get that all straightened out and I can open my word and excel, but now, I can't open up my internet explorer. Can somebody explain to me how I'm supposed to waste my day on Facebook and surf for porn, I mean get stock quotes with no internet? Frustrating to say the least. Oh well, screw it, it's Friday! What time does the pub open?

I see that both Nelson Mandela and Charlie Sheen were admitted to the hospital in the past few days. Nelson Mandela is recovering from a collapsed lung, while good old Charlie is in the hospital with a "hernia" after a 3 day coke binge with porn stars. I love the way the media handles this kind of stuff. I have heard very little about Nelson Mandela and a lot about Charlie Sheen. Yet, Nelson Mandela has done so much more for this world than Charlie Sheen has, but I guess Two and a Half Men is much more important to the world than one man's fight to end apartheid in South Africa. The media is saying it is Charlie Sheen's behaviour is "shocking". Really? That's shocking? This guy goes to rehab more often than most people go to the dentist yet another coke binge with porn stars is shocking? Now if Nelson Mandela went on a 3 day coke binge with porn stars, now that would be shocking. Charlie Sheen, that's just a Tuesday.

As I mentioned yesterday, I have a show tomorrow night (Saturday January 29) at a Lion's Club in Hamilton or somewhere. Still don't know where it is yet. I should probably find that out. I know, I'm quite the marketing machine, but I will promise to try to be better at promoting myself this year. In fact, I may even be like some comics I know and just forget about writing or working on getting better, and just promote the hell out of myself. Every show I am on will be "The Best Show Ever" and "Epic", and "Not to be missed" and so on and so on. That's it, my first goal of 2011! Figure out where my show is tomorrow night and drop by, it's going to be "Epic, and Not to Be Missed". It'll be one of those events where 20 years from now you'll say "I remember where I was when Dave did that show at that place he didn't know where he was going. It was Epic!"

And just a reminder, I'm also hosting at Absolute Comedy in Toronto next week from Wednesday February 2 to Sunday February 6. I'm with Denis Grignon and Ali Hassan. Yes, I know that Sunday is Superbowl Sunday, but I won't be telling jokes during the show, I'll just be doing play by play, including re-enacting the US Superbowl commercials. You should come just to check that out alone! It'll be Epic!

I really like hockey

Last year, I had the opportunity to play in the Baycrest Pro/Am hockey tournament for Alzheimer's research. It was an amazing time getting to play with and against former NHL greats like Borje Salming, Daryl Sittler, Guy Lafleur, and so on. My team wasn't the best at fundraising and ended up playing against Dale Hawerchuk, Ric Seiling and a couple other guys I'd never heard of.

It was very cool playing against Hawerchuk. I play defense and actually stopped him coming down the wing about 4 times. He was pissed the 4^th time I stopped him, at least judging by the string of profanities spewing from him. Although, for anybody who's ever watched Bruce Boudreau on HBO's 24/7 Road to the NHL Classic, he may have just been paying me a compliment. While I may have stopped him 4 times, there were about 3 or 4 times he made me look like a child and a bunch of other times he just blew by me like I wasn't there. Maybe next year our team colours will be pylon orange.

It's one of those things that I'd say was a once in a lifetime kind of thing, except for me, it will be at least twice in a lifetime. I have been recruited back by the team I played on last year and we're once again suiting it up to "stick it to Alzheimer's". Our team met last night and bounced around a few fund raising ideas. It looks like we'll be doing a charity comedy show or two. Details will follow. I'll also have information for anybody who wants to donate to the cause by sponsoring me in the tournament. Anybody who sponsors me can have any of my teeth that get knocked out when I call Dave "the Hammer" Schultz and Tiger Williams pussies.

That's of course assuming my knee ever gets better. I feel last Saturday night and it's still swollen up nicely. The best part is now it is turning all sorts of different colours. It's too bad my new niece wasn't a little older, because I could use my the various colours on my knee as a way to teach her all the various colours. We have black, purple, yellow, red, and if I'm not mistaken, even a bit of green. Exciting times kids.

But because of the knee thing, it looks like I'm going to have to miss my hockey game tonight. I'm not happy about it, since as a tubby fella, I need all the exercise I can get. Apparently getting up from the couch to grab a new beer, bending down to put the empty in the case, and stretching on the top of the fridge to grab a bag of chips, does not count as circuit training. That and the Thirsty Penguin has awesome chicken wings and frings.

Also, if you're in the Hamilton area on Saturday night, I'm doing a show at a Lions Club somewhere. I should really find that out soon. Great, one more thing added to the to do list. But if you're in the Hamilton area, hit up all the Lion's Clubs and I'll be doing comedy at one of them with Brian Hope and Darryl Purvis. Also, I'm MC'ing at Absolute Comedy in Toronto (2335 Yonge Street, just north of Eglinton) next week (February 2 to 6) so pop on by.