I’ve discovered these things called books

Have you heard of these things? They're like movies that haven't been filmed yet. But in all seriousness, I would like to kick my Grade 10 English teacher, Mr. Passmore, right in the balls. In school, I was always more of a math, business, accounting type of a student. I had no interest in literature or poetry or any of that shit. So I would really struggle to read any of the books in English class. They were boring, lame, and just seemed like a waste of time. And then when I did read the book, I was made to feel like I was an idiot because I didn't understand the symbolism. Well excuse me for not knowing that a red sky at night symbolized the end of an era or some bullshit like that. Who the hell cares? To me, the red sky at night symbolized the sun was going down. Apparently you can't take things literally in literature and if you do, you're a tool. So because of that, I vowed never to read a book again. That bastard had taken all of the fun out of it for me.

So since then, I've read, but it has always been as research for jobs, or projects, or jokes and stuff. To me, reading was not fun because I "didn't get it". In fact, from the time I was in Grade 10 until January 3 of this past year, I had not read a complete book, and I had never picked up a book as recreation. I read the newspaper, magazines and gossip websites, but never a book. Hell, if the book was that good, they'd make it into a movie and all would be right in the world. However, thanks to the whole Conan / Jay Leno fiasco and a book entitled "The Battle for Late Night" by Bill Carter, all of that changed. I was thoroughly engrossed in that book. It was interesting. It was very cool. I enjoyed reading that book so much that I even downloaded a Kobo Reader App for my netbook and my Blackberry and I've been reading tons for the past few weeks. Hell, I've finished about 4 books so far this year. In a month and a half, I've read more than I had in my entire life up until the end of last year. Most of what I've been reading have been bios from Comedians and Musicians. I guess I'm very interested in the subject matter, so it helps. I've found that it's actually not a bad way to unwind before bed. I wish I'd have known that before.

Anyway, if you know any good books I should read, let me know. I may just actually read them.

Adventures in Healthcare

So it looks as though the saga of my knee continues. Yesterday, when I was at the clinic being told I was too fat to get an x-ray, I was told that I should check out the hospital. So, I called the hospital this morning looking to book an appointment. However, the hospital will not my book an appointment from me directly, it must come from the doctor. So, I called the doctor to book the x-ray appointment for me, however the clinic tells me that the doctor who saw me yesterday won't be in the office until next week and that I should just go over to the hospital myself and visit the emergency room. You know, because a knee injury that happened a month ago is definitely an emergency. Wow, health care at its finest.

So, I load up the car and head out to the hospital hoping to get an x-ray. I walked into the emergency room and it looks as though it is an extras casting for the AMC show The Walking Dead. There are people littered all around the room with various fluids oozing out of their heads, moaning, crying, looking as white as ghosts. There are also a handful of men sitting around with various parts of their body elevated sitting beside a worried looking woman. I wonder who is making them go to the hospital? I'm also told that there is at least a 2 to 3 hour wait.

I end up talking to an EMT dude who refers me to a clinic just around the corner. I pop in and explain my knee situation to the doctor, who then pulls out his handy referral sheet to send me for an x-ray. When I see his referral sheet is to the clinic that I was going to yesterday, I say "I can't go to that clinic because I was there yesterday and am apparently too fat for an x-ray." The doctor looked at me with quite a sense of puzzlement. He said "you are not too fat for an x-ray. Sure, you are overweight. Yes, your knee is a little bit swollen, but that shouldn't be a problem." I then explained the situation that their table can only hold up to 250 pounds. Again, he looks at me with one of the more confused looks on ever seen from a human being and he said "but it is an x-ray clinic. They take x-rays. How can their table only hold 250 pounds? X-ray tables are huge." Exactly!

Although, to be honest, I'm not so sure I really trust the doctor. When he started looking at my knee, he seemed to be having too much fun poking around with the fluid on it saying "I can see that it is squishy. Look. It is all squishy." I am not a doctor. I do not play a doctor on TV. In fact, I do not even watch Dr. shows on TV. That said, I am pretty sure that squishy is not a medical term. Not exactly a way to instill confidence in your abilities there Doc. But, the upside, in 3 to 5 business days I will have wonderful pictures of my knee. Hopefully, I can keep it.

Danforth/Main X-Ray Can kiss my fat ass!!

So yesterday, after what has been a few weeks with my banged up knee, I finally went to the doctor at a local walk in clinic. The pain is pretty much gone, but the fluid just doesn't seem to want to go away. So the doctor sends me to an X-Ray clinic across the street. I get there and wait about 45 minutes. After 45 minutes, I get in and they do an ultrasound on my knee. I guess the swelling is such that they wanted to see the sex of the baby I'm carrying in my knee. After that, they put me in a little a little cubicle where I wait for another 15 minutes for my X-Ray. After about 15 minutes, the lady at the X-Ray Clinic comes over and asks how much I weigh. I tell her, and then she says "Oh. That's going to be a problem. Our X-Ray table can only hold 250 pounds." AT AN X-RAY CLINIC? Are you shitting me? Look, I know I'm a fat piece of shit, but you're telling me that an X-Ray Clinic, place who's only purpose is to take X-Rays of people only has a table that can support 250 pounds!!! Unfuckingbelievable. She then tells me "you can try Toronto East General. They have a table that can support up to 500 pounds." I said "thanks. That gives me time to hit the buffet." By the time I lose enough weight to fit on their table my knee will either be healed or have fallen off.

Insert Witty Title Here

I love this time of year in hockey. All the trades that get done, all leading up to the annual snoozefest known as Trade Deadline Day! But if nothing else, it gives me a good reason to take an afternoon off work. Like I need a reason – "it's sunny. Well then I'd better take the afternoon off and enjoy it." "We're out of cheese. Well I can't work under these conditions."

I see that Ottawa sent Fisher to Nashville. He probably wanted to go there for his wife, country singer Carrie Underwood. Now maybe it's just me, but wouldn't it be funny, hilarious and ironic if the NHL moved Nashville to Quebec or Winnipeg? If you think Ms. Underwood didn't like Ottawa, imagine her in Quebec City. I'm sure she'll fit in nicely there.

The Leafs sent Versteeg to the Flyers for a draft pick that Burke is now going to trade away. Nice work Burkie. Nice work. I also hear that Kaberle is willing to be traded to Boston. Maybe with any luck Burke can trade Kaberle for the draft picks he gave up when he picked up Kessel. Then he can maybe trade those away to pick up somebody useful like Chris Chelios or maybe Gretzky.

What a “Lively” weekend

This weekend, I had the privilege of performing alongside Winston Spear and Dave Tsonos up in Lively. If you've never been to Lively, it's a nice little town just south of Sudbury. The show was part of the Walden Winter Carnival. The show was a lot of fun. Hell, anytime you get to tell jokes in front of 350 people who want to laugh, it's always a pleasure. Not to mention, I got to perform with Tsonos and Winston. I have seen Winston a few times and every time he never fails to deliver. If you've never seen him, get off your ass and do it. He starts his set with a hilarious dance and then moves nicely into very funny, clever jokes. I am amazed at how this man's mind works. It was truly a pleasure to watch.

After the show, Tsonos and I hit the "club scene" in Sudbury. We ended up at a place called the Night Club. What an original name! We get there and there is a band playing pop punk stuff like Green Day and Blink 182. Then they started to do heavy versions of Lady Gaga and other poppy shit. Hilarious and oddly catchy. But I would say the highlight of the night was the fact that attached to the Night Club was Sudbury's strip joint Diamonds. I have never seen anything like this before. The only thing separating the strip joint from the regular bar was a doorway that didn't even have a door. What a concept – take your date out for a few drinks and if things aren't going well, sneak into the strip club every once in a while to catch a glimpse of some naked ladies. I guess you'd hope she's not doing the same thing. Earlier in the night Tsonos was commenting that he never went to strip joints and it wasn't really his thing. Yet he was the one checking it out every 10 minutes looking for a show. I showed considerably more restraint and only checked every 20 minutes to see if there was a show going on. Sadly, we did not get to see any of the strippers do their thing, although I did catch a glimpse of one of the strippers – picture me in a bikini. Now you don't have to go to Diamonds. You're welcome.

With most road trips with comics, the best part of the trip is the car ride. Anytime you have 3 or 4 comics in a car for several hours on end, it can be very entertaining. I've often thought that it would make for a great TV show to rig a car up with cameras and just let the comics go for the length of a road trip. It would make for a very funny show. This trip was no exception. Some of the things that Winston was coming up with were unbelievable. Very funny stuff.

My next big show is in Bobcaygeon on February. 26. I don't know much more than that, but I'll definitely keep you posted.

I actually got good service from the Ontario Government!!

If you've read my blog recently, you know that I fell and banged up my knee pretty good. Another cool / gross thing that's been happening is I've had an accumulation of fluid on my knee too. It's like having grandma's famous jello growing on my kneecap. It's actually mildly entertaining just to sit on the couch and poke the knee to watch it jiggle. It has a different jiggle than my belly, which is probably why it amuses me so much. Anyway, the fluid was there for about a week and I finally decided maybe I should get it looked at. One problem – my wallet got stolen last October and I didn't have my healthcard. So, I head off to the local Ministry of Health to get a new one.

Well, apparently my card had been expired for a while because according to the Ministry, I was "VOID" in their system. In other words – I was dead to them. I know of a few people to whom I am dead, but I never put the Ministry of Health in that group. I thought we'd always got along relatively well. I paid my taxes, I didn't go to the doctor for every ache, pain or fracture. I thought we had a good thing going. Apparently I was wrong. I even asked the guy if I could get a rebate on my taxes because I was paying for something I wasn't eligible for. He wasn't amused and grumbled something to the effect of "it doesn't work that way, but nice try. NEXT!"

Anyway, the guy at the counter told me that I had to go to another office to get UNVOIDED. I get in the office and it's just crazy packed. I could not believe the crowds. The only thing that would have brought in more people was if Justin Bieber was doing an autograph signing. I checked it out, and I don't think he was there. Although if he was, his demographic is a hell of a lot different than I would have thought. I thought he appealed to the 'tween set, not middle aged people from all corners of the world.

I explain to the guy at the front desk my plight, and how I'd been sent there from another office, and out of the kindness of his heart, he gave me a priority ticket so I didn't have to wait in the full line. I was in and out of there in less than 10 minutes. Thankfully - because it would have likely taken me three hours to work through that mass of humanity. Another positive to come out of this, in the time since I woke up yesterday and picked up my temporary healthcard, the swelling has gone down considerably. Who knows, maybe even one day I might be able to play hockey again.

You gotta have dreams kids. You gotta have dreams.

Just another manic Monday

Monday started out just like any other Monday – slowly. I'd rather be sleeping or really anywhere else than slugging it over to my desk and trying to get motivated to work. But, things need to get done. Don't get me wrong, I really enjoy my day job. Hell, I work for myself, I work from home, I'm slowly building a strong reputation in the mutual fund industry, people like what I do, I make okay money, I get quoted in the press all the time (http://www.theglobeandmail.com/globe-investor/personal-finance/rrsp/top-eight-picks-from-four-fund-watchers/article1897868/), and most days, I don't even need to wear pants. I do wear pants – usually short or sweats or something comfortable, but I don't have to.

The thing that I find about Mondays is that it's not that I'm particularly unmotivated, it's just that when you first sit down at the desk, look at the to do list, things get a bit overwhelming. Add to it the fact that I had a fun weekend performing at Absolute Comedy and now am back to the real world, Monday just seemed so tough. But then around 11 am, I get a call from one of the mutual fund companies I work with on a regular basis. The guy seemed almost panicked and wanted to know if I wanted to go to the Leaf game with him. He also offered to take me out for steaks. I said yes, and didn't want to tell him that he had me at free leaf tickets. Yes, technically they are free, but going to these games is still work. I'm not complaining, just stating a fact. The companies like to take me to the games because they get me for 4 to 5 hours where we can talk mutual funds and other business. It's not all work, but it is work. You can't get hammered and start a fight with people, you have to behave and be on the ball for most of it. Again, not complaining, but rather stating a fact.

This game was the first one after Phil Kessel made his "it's just not working out here" and "Me and Ron don't talk" comments. I like Phil. I think he's a good player who can usually score. I also respect him as a person with the way he fought through his cancer a few years ago. But man, watching him play on Monday, he just looked bored. There were a few flashes of why Burke picked him up, but largely, he looked as interested in the game as the people in the platinum seats – as in not at all. But the Leafs pulled it out, it was a good game, and the steak was awesome. I'm still drooling when I think about it. But then again, I always drool when I think about steak. Mmm. Steak. If the rest of this post is full of typos, it's because there is drool stuck in my keyboard.

My knee is still filled with fluid. But when I went to go to the doctor to get it looked at, I realized that I still hadn't replaced my health card from when my wallet got stolen last year. So looks like today will be a fun filled day of dealing with government bureaucracy trying to get a replacement. We'll see how that goes. With any luck, it will actually be less painful than my knee. Today though, it actually feels like the fluid is draining. I guess we'll see how it goes. Wish me luck!

Absolute Comedy!

I just finished up a great weekend at Absolute Comedy here in Toronto. The shows, with the exception of the Sunday show were all great. Sundays show was the lightest one of the weekend, which is not surprising given that it was going head to head with the Superbowl. But still, even though the crowd was small, they still had a good time.

Over the weekend I had the opportunity to work with Denis Grignon and Ali Hassan. With the three of us, it was a pretty good mix. Denis tends to be smart and clean, Ali is energetic, and I'm just me. But between the three of us, there was a little bit of everything. That's what makes the Absolute Comedy shows so good is that the owner, Jason, tends to actually pay attention to the comics he puts on a show. He does this to make sure that there is a good mix, so even if you don't like one comic, there is a good chance you'll like one of the others on the show.

Weekends like that are always great. But now I'm sitting and trying to pick a highlight, and I don't know that I can. All of the shows were pretty good. I guess if I had to pick my favourites, it would be a toss up between the two sell outs; the Friday show and the Saturday early show. Fun crowds in both and the energy in the room was phenomenal.

After a weekend like that, I am torn. On one hand, I can't wait to get back on stage again, but on the other side, I know that there is a good chance that no matter where I perform, it likely won't be as good as working at the club. Lucky for me, my next gig is up near Sudbury at the Walden Winter Carnival and from what I hear, it's a hell of a good time as well. I'm really looking forward to that on Friday, and I get to work with Dave Tsonos and Winston Spear.

FlamboroughReview.com: News: Story: Lions roar – with laughter

FlamboroughReview.com: News: Story: Lions roar – with laughter

Pro / Am Night

Last night, I was at Absolute Comedy in Toronto hosting their Pro/Am night. About 120 brave souls dug themselves out from the 8 cm of snow we had received and made it out for the show. If you've never been to a Pro/Am night, I have to tell you, you should check it out. The Pro/Am is essentially the club's amateur night, but unlike other amateur nights, the night is closed off by the weekend's headliner who usually does a 20-25 minute spot. Also, you will typically have 5 or 6 comics in addition to the headliner. This format is great in that the audience gets decent variety of some of the city's amateur comics doing their best stuff in hopes of being offered weekend opening spots, and you get a professional giving you a taste of the weekend show. Not to mention, the admission price is only $6. The other thing which makes these shows fun is that you really never know what you are going to get. You could see some of the best comedy you've seen. You could also see a train wreck. Last night was a very fun show from start to finish. All of the comics did well and the crowd was really into it.

I haven't hosted at the club in a while. The last few times I've been there, I've middled. In a typical show you'll have a host, a middle and a headliner. The middle usually does 20 to 25 minutes. I really like middling. It's a great way to build up and tighten my "act". But I've middled the last couple of times so I wanted to host this time around. Hosting is also a lot of fun, but it's a more challenging role. You have to be more in the moment, and have to set the tone for the show. You have to play to the crowd and really control the room. Arguably, hosting is the most challenging spot on a show. Headlining can be tough because you need so much material to do it well, but hosting is a much different beast. Hosting forces you to exercise different comedy muscles.

Not having hosted a "proper" comedy show in a few months I was worried that I'd be rusty. Well, luckily for me, and for the audience, it was like riding a bike, except I wasn't wearing spandex shorts and I didn't run out of breath. Okay I did, but that was after my dance dance bit which is to be expected. I really need to work on that. The crowd wasn't overly chatty, but I was able to bring a couple of people into it and it led me into a couple of my bits about relationships. So while I didn't get as much of a chance to spritz as much as I would have liked, it was still a lot of fun. I am looking forward to hosting at the club for the rest of the weekend with Denis Grignon and Ali Hassan. Throughout the week there will also be a few very funny comics dropping by for spots including the hilarious Deb DiGiovanni, who is scheduled to drop in on Sunday night.

Baycrest Pro / Am

I am once again playing in the Baycrest Pro/Am Hockey Tournament for Alzheimer's research. I'm not really one for begging, but if you'd be so kind as to consider sponsoring me in this great event for a great cause, please visit my personal site at http://my.e2rm.com/personalPage.aspx?registrationID=1059545

As mentioned earlier, I'm also looking at setting up a couple of fundraisers to help raise some money. More details to follow.

Thanks

This is it??

So this is it? This is "Snowmageddon 2011"? Really? Yesterday the weather people on the TV couldn't tell us fast enough how bad it was going to be. First, it was going to be 15 to 20 cm of snow. Then, it was going to be 20 to 30 cm, and then early in the afternoon, I was hearing that it was going to be 30 to 40 cm in Toronto. Right outside my door. I'd be snowed in for weeks, or hours. It was going to be like nothing we've seen in years. We were told to make sure we had our winter tires on our car. We were told to have an emergency kit ready. We were told that there could be power outages. It was going to get ugly. Then, I woke up and there was 8 cm of snow on the ground. Oh my, call the army! 8 cm. What the hell? How can we survive? Oh the humanity!!!

I know that other parts of the province got the snow that we were supposed to get. And I know that it was a pretty shitty drive for my fiancé Sam who had to drive out to Oshawa (about 40 minutes on a good day) at 4 in the morning for her job as the newslady on CKDO radio (1580AM and 107.7FM). But even with the brief periods of shit, this did not live up even close to the hype. They were only half right from their first snowfall projection and only 20% right for their highest forecast. A 20% accuracy rate – that's something to be proud of! And it seems that every time there is a storm a brewing, the TV stations have to fall all over each other trying to tell us how bad it's going to be. I guess they need to do something to justify the money they spend on weather jeeps and fancy graphics. But really, it's gotten to the point where I don't believe a word they say anymore. Remember H1N1? That was supposed to kill us all, yet I think more people died from the common cold than died from H1N1. Sound the alarms!

And it's not just the media where I see this overblown hype. I see it all the time. Everything is the "most dramatic yet", "worst you've ever seen", or "best show ever". I think we all need to take a step back and manage expectations a bit better. A good example is a comedy show that I got an invite to. It is billed as the "Superstars of Comedy". Now I don't know about you, but if I heard that the Superstars of Comedy were coming, I'd be looking for names like Chris Rock, Louis C.K., Jerry Seinfeld. Real superstars. Instead, we see a bunch of funny guys putting on a show. They are funny, and it'll be a decent show, but they aren't exactly superstars. I'm not picking on those guys, but that's just the latest example I have seen. It happens all the time. In this case, it'll be a good show, but in a lot of other instances, it will be a giant steaming piece of shit show and if some poor unsuspecting person walks into that show and sees the train wreck, and thinks that's what comedy is like, they'll be reluctant to go see a real comedy show at a place like Absolute Comedy, Yuk Yuks, Second City or the Comedy Bar, just to name a few.

Why don't we all try to do a bit better job of under promising and over delivering? Why don't we try to do a better job of telling it like it really is? Maybe that will lead to less disappointment and more realistic expectations from all of us. Maybe I'm just bitter and disillusioned. Okay, no maybe about it.

So, with that in mind, you absolutely have to get your sweet ass (I'm assuming it's sweet. I'm just trying to be hip and cool like the kids.) down to Absolute Comedy tonight at 8:30 for what will undoubtedly be the most amazing comedy show you will see tonight on Yonge Street. There will be laughs. There will be tears. It will change you in ways that only yesterday were unfathomable. I will host, Denis Grignon will close the show and in between will be 5 or 6 of the most amazing mix of professional and amateur comics performing at Absolute Comedy tonight. Drop by if you can get out of your house. It'll be fun. That's the truth.

I'm Old

I had to get a haircut today and as I was waiting I was reminded of a funny thing that happened when I got my hair cut in the summer.

As you may or may not know, I am engaged to an amazing woman. Another thing you may or may not know is that there is a pretty big age difference between Sam and I. Its big enough that guys on my hockey team routinely give me high 5's like I'm some kind of a "playa". It may look that way on paper, but if you see Sam and I together, the difference isn't that noticeable. She's very mature, and I am, well how do I put this nicely, am nowhere near being mature. Its like I'm stuck in my early 20's. Sam also looks a bit older than she is and I look a bit younger than I am, so we kind of "Benjamin Button" it and kind of meet in the middle.

Anyway, one day in the summer, I'm waiting with Sam at the local "salon" (aka First Choice). I'm talking to the lady cutting my hair looks over at Sam and asks, loud enough for everybody in the place to hear, if Sam was "my daughter". Now I don't get embarrassed too easily, but for some reason that did it. Sam was beaming from ear to ear because she was starting to feel like she was looking real old. Who would have thought a trip to First Choice could fix that up? How often does somebody walk into First Choice and feel better about themselves when they leave? Not often.

But I will say this, the haircut must have done some good because that weekend at the Jays game I got asked for I'd by a beer vendor. Either they thought I looked like I was under 30 or they were seeing if I qualified for the seniors discount.

I hate haircuts.

Snowmageddon - We'll See

So I wake up this morning and all the weather forecasters are now calling for between 30 and 35 cm of snow by tomorrow night. Haven't we heard this before? Every time there is more than 3 cm heading our way, the world is coming to an end, according to these weather clowns. Halt any and all necessary travel and stock up on canned goods, we're all doomed. As a group weather forecasters are almost as bad as the WHO with their semi annual flu pandemic warnings.

How much snow will we get? I have no idea. I just hope we can all get through this. Enjoy your shoveling.