I’m Apparently way too Dirty for Comedy

I recently had the opportunity to play some shows at a comedy club. To be honest, I've kind of had a rough time at this particular club, at least compared to the stories I hear from other comics. For whatever reason, I had been having a tough time getting the crowd to like me on a consistent basis. That had pretty much changed the last couple of times I was there, and this time around, judging by crowd response and the number of people who came up to me afterwards and told me that they loved me. Apparently they liked me. I was now getting solid laughs on pretty much every joke I told. It's a nice feeling. I even had the booker/owner tell me after the Friday show that one of his regulars who had been to well over 60 shows thought our Friday night show was one of the best he had ever seen.

So imagine my surprise when I am chatting with the booker/owner after the last show and he tells me that I'm way too dirty for his club and if I want to work there again, I basically need to rewrite my entire act. In his opinion, my act is pure filth. It is apparently filled with nothing but shit jokes and vulgar, dirty sex jokes. Now I will be the first to admit that I am not a squeaky clean comic. I am probably not even in the top 100 for a clean corporate show, but I am not way too dirty to work a comedy club. Yes, I have two jokes, and one line about poo. I have a joke about my dog eating shoelaces, a joke about bowel buddies and a line about my most recent physical. That is it. In total, we're looking at maybe 3 minutes of material out of my act. Maybe. And this time around, I was very cognizant to not do all of them on the same night. I did actually on the amateur night when I needed to use a lot more of my material, and I did on one of the weekend shows when I ended up having to do about 35 minutes all told. So yeah, on those shows, I had probably 3 minutes of shit jokes.

As far as the vulgar dirty sex jokes, I think that I might use the term vagina once in my act. I have even recently been using the term Hoo-Ha just to take the edge off of it. Yeah, I do have some sexual references, but none of them are vulgar or explicit. I would say that maybe half of my jokes (and that's probably over estimating), have some reference to sex in them. Most of the jokes are about how I'm an idiot when it comes to those things. They are not sexist or homophobic in any way. Also, I should point out that while I do occasionally swear in my act, it is not excessive, and in fact on a lot of shows, I only swear on two jokes I tell, and depending on the venue, I may not even swear then. So I really don't understand where this perception of me being a dirty filthy comic is coming from.

And here's an even more interesting fact about my latest visit. I brought in maybe 5 to 7 minutes of new material that I didn't do my last time around at the club, and they were clean with no sexual overtones or shit references. Yet this time around, I'm way too dirty. I don't get it.

But probably the most frustrating part in all of this is that I really didn't get a good chance to talk to the booker / owner after the fact. I never got a chance to really defend myself. I really don't know what to do. So, I guess I'll just start writing nothing but jokes about Tim Horton's, the difference between men and women, and of course the old staple, airline food.

Things I’ve learned

This past weekend, my fiancé and I spent the weekend in Niagara Falls. It was so nice to get away for the weekend. But more importantly, I learned a few very valuable life lessons. They are:

1. Leaving my house to drive to Niagara Falls at 4 PM on the Friday before March break is not a good idea. But the upside, we were able to turn a drive that normally takes an hour and a half into a 3 hour drive. You can't do that every day.
   
2. When playing video blackjack, it is important, nope, make that critical, that you actually pay attention to how much you're betting. I was doing well, making some money. Hell, I'm a high roller (coincidentally the name of my Thursday night hockey team too – The High Rollers). I was playing $20 – CANADIAN. That's like $20.60 American. Anyway, I had turned my $20 into about $42. I got cocky thinking this game was going to pay for our whole trip, and then all of the sudden, over the course of 4 hands I was down to $2. WTF? Well apparently, if you're not careful, your bet keeps getting pushed higher so instead of betting $1 or $2 per hand, you're betting $10. It's good if you win, but if you suck at the game like me, it kind of hurts.
   
3. When filling up the Jacuzzi tub, it is important that you wait until you wait until the water level is over the jets before you turn it on, otherwise you will need a mop and a squeegee, and the towels hanging 10 feet across the room that were previously dry will need to be wrung out over the tub.
   
4. Apparently bubble bath in a Jacuzzi tub is also a no no. Lesson learned.
   
5. Everybody in Niagara Falls wants a tip. People there must be the lowest paid people in the world because everybody had their hand out for a tip. Hey, if you're a server and do a good job, I will tip you handsomely. If you're a bus driver, sorry pal, no tip for you. But the absolute best was in the bathroom at the old casino. There was a "Tip Jar" in the bathroom. There were no bathroom attendants, or other staff anywhere to be found, yet there was a tip jar. And here's the worst part, there was money in it. Real live folding money - $5 Bills, $10 Bills and even a $20 Bill. How big of a mess did a dude make that he felt obligated to leave a $20 tip to nobody?
   
6. The Outback Steakhouse is overpriced and shitty when compared to the Keg. $11 for a Cesar? Really? And that is without naked ladies dancing around a pole! Unbelievable!
   
7. Cheesy haunted houses scare me. Always have. Always will. I remember one time I was about 11 and was in the falls with my family. My sister who was about 6 at the time wanted to go into a haunted house. So, my dad pays the admission and we walk down the stairs. When the door opened and I saw that it was dark, I totally freaked out. While my 6 year old sister enjoyed the haunted house, I sat in the ticket booth with the lady until my family was done. Incidentally, that's some pretty good parenting when my parents would leave me with a complete stranger in a ticket booth rather than miss out on a haunted house. No wonder I'm messed up.
   

That is all.

Shameless Begging for a good cause!

As you may know, I'm playing in the upcoming Baycrest Pro/Am hockey tournament which helps raise money for Alzheimer's research. It is a great tournament where you get to play with and against former NHL players, with all proceeds going to the Baycrest Foundation. If you'd be at all interested in sponsoring me in this worthy cause, please make your donation at http://my.e2rm.com/personalPage.aspx?SID=2879907&Lang=en-CA

I also have raffle tickets available for sale. There are a few prizes including premium raptors tickets as well as dugout seats for the Blue Jays home opener. Tickets are $25 each or 4 for $100. If you're interested in purchasing a ticket, email me at dave@davepaterson.ca.

Thanks!

It was in Bobcaygeon

This past weekend, I had a show up in Bobcaygeon, which was a fundraiser for the Sturgeon Falls Thunder hockey team. I was hosting the show with the hilarious Nile Seguin headlining with Tyler Morrison doing the middle spot. We tried unsuccessfully to get Bobcaygeon fan favourite Angry Andrew Evans to do a spot, but he wasn't up for it. That's fine though, we didn't need him anyway. The crowd was fun. Hell, anytime you can get 150 drunken hockey parents in a lounge at the local arena, you know you're in for a treat! Sadly, or fortunately, depending on how you look at it, I wasn't propositioned for a 3-some.

The only downside of the night was the drive home. During the show a snowstorm had rolled through and made driving a bit of a challenge. I hate to sound like a pussy, whining about driving in Canada in the winter, but let's face it, I am a pussy about driving in winter in Canada. I'm not sure what the worst part of the drive was, the country roads that hadn't seen a plow yet or the 401 where it was a free for all with the lane choices. I think we must have seen about half a dozen cars that had driven into the median. But, we made it home okay and nobody got hurt. I did end up missing last call though, so I really wasn't too happy about that.

I also did a fun little show last night at a place called the Charlotte Room. It is a monthly show organized by Robin Crossman and Chris MacLean. It runs on the last Monday of the month. It was a very solid lineup with funny comics like Andrew Evans, Todd Van Allen, and Brendan McKeigan. It was fun. Drinks were too expensive, but the show was good. Fortunately, I was still a little "tender" from Sunday when I ended up going out for a "couple of beers" to send Dave Tsonos off, who has decided to leave the beach and become homeless in his quest for comedy fame. I'm likely buying a new TV in the next few days, so I'll be sure to keep the box for him so he'll have someplace to play when he gets back from his western tour. I should have known it was going to be a troublesome night when I uttered those words, "I don't think it'll be a late night." WRONG. Oh well, what can you do?

This coming weekend I'm doing a couple of shows. I'm hosting Balmy Comedy at the Fill Station in the beaches. It's a mix of standup and sketch. Show starts at 8, so you know "it won't be a late night" (wink, wink). Saturday, I'm doing Club 54. Still not sure if I'm headlining or middling, but I'm doing a spot anyway. Should be fun.