Dog training for kids

The other day, I was telling my boy that he couldn’t do something and it dawned on me, I have been talking to him like he’s a dog. Yep, I have been “training” my boy pretty much the same way I trained by dog.

“No! Good boy!”

“Sit. Good boy!”

“Wait. Good boy!”       

The scary thing, it’s working. He actually listens to me, all the time. I know it won’t last, but I’ll take it while I can. Although, I wonder if I can keep him listening to me by offering him treats for doing things I like, just like I did with my dog? Plus, I imagine the Milk Bones will be great for when he’s teething again. Not to mention what a nice shiny coat he’ll have!

I’ll also have to think about crate training him when it’s potty training time. It worked very well for the dog, I can’t see how it couldn’t work for the boy.

This could get interesting…

Some Tips on Hosting

After writing my last entry about that show I was at, it really got me thinking about the importance of a good host. Had somebody who was a competent host been at the helm, the show might have ended up being dramatically different than it was.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I’m a great host. I’m competent at best. If you want to watch a great host, check out somebody like Simon Rakoff. When I first started, Simon was hosting a lot at the old Laugh Resort. He made it look so easy. He has such a way with the crowd, he seamlessly integrates material with crowd work and keeps the show moving. If you see that Simon is hosting somewhere, you should check it out. There are others I like to watch too, but now that I’m writing this, none come to mind.

Before I started hosting, comedian Scott Harris had a series on Andrew Grose’s blog about hosting. I looked for it, but can’t seem to find it now, but it listed a lot of the key points to being an effective host. After reading that, you can see how to effectively run a show. If anybody can find it, let me know, it’s a great resource for anybody wanting to get better as a host.

Some of the things I remember from it as well as some other tips I’ve picked up along the way are:

1.)    It’s your show, but the show isn’t about you – In other words, you are responsible for running the show, but it is more about setting the table for the other comics on the show so they can look good, rather than doing your headlining act. Too often you’ll see hosts just do material and make the show all about them. This is when you get comics doing 30 minutes off the top and doing unnecessary material between acts. Instead, a good host will do some material off the top to get the crowd ready to laugh. This can usually be done effectively with about 8 to 12 minutes of good material. A host will also reset the room in between acts. When somebody bombs, it’s the host’s job to bring the crowd back. On the flip side, if somebody absolutely destroys and you know the next comic can’t follow them, you need to bring the room down a notch or two. Also, if somebody is dirty or dark, you may want to reset the room after them by doing some cleaner or more upbeat material.

2.)    Announce the show off the top – It is your job to welcome the audience to the show. Thank them for coming, tell them who is on the show, with real, genuine introductions to at least the headliner, and maybe one or two of the better known acts. If it is an open mic show, tell them. Don’t try to sell it as the best show ever, but tell them that there may be some great comedy, and there may be some less than great comedy. This does a couple of things. First, it sets their expectation about what is going to happen. Second, when you announce the names, the natural reaction is for them to applaud, so right off the top, you can get them clapping at least three times. It grabs their attention and does a little audience training.

3.)    Do some material right away – Once you’ve announced the show, do a few minutes of quick, punchy jokes. This gets the crowd laughing relatively early and trains them to hear jokes. Once you’ve done 3 to maybe 5 minutes of jokes, you can consider doing some crowd work.

4.)    Crowd work isn’t always necessary – When you’re doing a club show, you pretty much have to do the basic crowd stuff, like birthdays and celebrations and stuff. It’s pretty much obligatory. But you don’t have to dwell on it. Just acknowledge them, try to make a couple of quick jokes about it, and move on. Acknowledging this stuff early on gets it out of the way and they are much less likely to disrupt the show later on. But once you’ve done that, you can pretty much just focus on jokes and keeping the show rolling. You can do crowd work, but just make sure you know what you’re doing. What usually works for me is I will ask leading questions that will take me into one of my bits. Usually it works pretty well. But don’t feel that just because you’re hosting you have to do a shit ton of crowd work.

5.)    Give each act a proper and genuine introduction – That’s just like it sounds. Be genuine with your intros. Where possible, make sure you get any credits or other info from the comic beforehand. And don’t be like me where you introduce everybody as “very funny”. I am trying to break that habit, but it’s hard. But really, try to show that you’re genuinely looking forward to each act on the show.

6.)    Don’t bad mouth acts – Sometimes a comic sucks. Obviously you have to address it, but don’t make it seem like you’re piling on. Chance are the comic knows they sucked, they don’t need you telling them, but you do have to address it. Even something simple like “well that happened” or something similar will break that tension and the audience will feel comfortable enough to laugh again.

7.)    Keep the show moving – Most shows will have an end time. It’s your job to keep the show on time. If somebody goes over their time, it comes out of theirs. If somebody goes short, you have to make up the time to make sure the show stays on track. Obviously this is more important in a club show, but even open mics need to keep moving, otherwise you risk losing the crowd.

8.)    Be yourself – There is a misconception that you have to be upbeat to be a good host. That’s not necessarily true. If you’re not that kind of person, pretending you are will make you look like a fraud to the audience. But you do have to be a little more “friendly” with your material. You probably don’t want to do stuff that is too dark or dirty because that can often leave the audience uncomfortable and make it tougher for the other comics on the show.

9.)    Close the show – When the headliner / last act is done, it’s your job to shut things down. First, you’ll want to thank the audience for coming out and supporting the show. I always like to ask them if they had a good time and if they did to tell their friends. Next, thank the servers and remind the audience to tip them well. I’m not sure if it works, but it keeps the servers on your side, and that’s rarely a bad thing. Then do any announcements that the booker or venue wants you to do. This includes things like upcoming shows, the website, or comment cards. Then I thank the comics on the show. If it’s a small show, name them all, if it’s a larger show, I’ll do something like “a big round of applause for all the comics on the show tonight.” In that case, if there are a few well known acts, I’ll mention them by name, of if somebody totally killed, I’ll highlight them. And then to close it out, I always try to invite them to stick around and have some drinks at the bar. I never tell them that the night is over, because really the bar wants to sell beers. They can’t do that if you send the crowd home.

I’m sure there are countless things I’ve missed. Feel free to add them in the comments section.

How not to run an open mic

Open mics are a hugely important part of comedy. They are basically the gym, where you go to work out your jokes. Chances are, any joke you hear a comic tell at a show has been worked on at an open mic room. On any given night, you can see the newest comic to the guy you just saw on Just for Laughs earlier in the day working on their act.

I don’t hit the open mic rooms anywhere near as much as I should. It’s not that I think I’m too good for them or anything. In fact, far from it. I need to get out a lot more, but It’s a case that I have a day job that keeps me very busy, I have a wife, a little boy and a mortgage, so I have to focus on what is going to make sure those things are taken care of.

Sure, it’s a bit of a cop out, but it’s also the reality that I just don’t have as much time to get out as some of the newer comics, who are in their 20’s with no real responsibilities other than student loans and making sure they have enough money for their case of Pabst Blue Ribbon and whatever product they need to keep their beards lice free. I wish I had that kind of time, but I don’t. It’s not a complaint, just a fact. So when I do get out to a room, I need to make the most of it.

That’s why I was so disappointed when I got out a while back. A room was having a very special show and was able to get a very well-known comic to close it out. I asked to be on the show because I knew that there would be a great crowd out to see this comic, so it would definitely give me a good gauge of my stuff.

When I get to the room, I see that there are 16 comics on the show, plus the headliner. 16 comics!! Holy Christ! That would be a long show if all the comics were headliners. But the reality is that with the exception of a handful, most were relatively new. But the saving grace in this is that the show was supposed to only last a couple of hours, with everybody doing 5 minute spots. The room was packed, so I stuck it out for a while.

At a show like that, the MC’s job is critical. They need to get the crowd warmed up quickly and then bring up all the comics in a way that keeps the show moving. They need to keep the show rolling when there is good momentum and bring the room back up after somebody shits the bed. The MC on this night decided to do a tight 30 off the top. And by tight 30, I mean meandering stories that don’t really have much in the way of punch lines or points. So we are already way over time, right out of the gate, with a crowd that really does want to laugh.

Comic after comic goes up with no real order, it’s almost like a lottery draw, rather than trying to put together any type of a cohesive show. With the exception of a couple, they just eat it hard. After each comic, the MC goes up and does meaningless time, without really bringing up the room. Understandably, about an hour and a half into the show, the headliner decides they want to go on. So the MC brings up the headliner who absolutely destroys for 30 minutes.

It was really inspiring to watch this person work. While I didn’t think the material was as sharp as I’ve seen them do in the past, just watching the way they squeezed every possible laugh out of it, without being too hammy or pandering to the crowd was amazing. Definitely gives you some incentive to work harder on the stuff I already have, and any stuff I’m writing.

Anyway, the headliner finishes, the MC goes up and announces a 15 minute intermission and then the rest of the comics, myself included would be going up. They should have just called the show right there. About half the crowd left, since they were really only there to see the headliner. Still, it’s a pretty decent crowd for this room. Against my better judgment, I decide to stick it out some more.

At about the 2:45 mark in the show, I asked the MC when I was supposed to go up and was told that it would be 3 more comics, then me. That would have been at least the 3:15 mark in a 2 hour show. I said fuck it and headed home, pissed off that a night had been more or less wasted. I suppose I could have stuck it out for a while longer for my spot, but it was getting late, I had an early morning day job committment, I was tired, the crowd was tired, and my enthusiasm was just gone. If I had been smart, I would have bailed right off the top and headed to another room where I could actually get some stuff accomplished.

If I were running this show, I would have cut the number of comics in half, ordered them in a way that balanced the talent and energy of the night, building into the world class headliner, and I would have had an MC that knew how to host a show. Those things would have helped the night live up to its potential, rather than how it turned out. This is just one more example of why I am getting completely disillusioned with the world of open mics.

If I had more time, I would try to run a room myself, and do it in a way that gave it the best chance of success. Things like having a separate space for the show, lights, a decent sound system, limiting the number of comics on a show, a decent MC, and putting some thought into how it actually runs.  But then again, what the hell do I know??

Insert Witty Title Here

Well hello again! What’s new and exciting in your world?

There’s a ton new with me. I’ve moved to the ‘burbs, had a baby boy, and just been keeping far too busy. That’s not a complaint, but more of a statement. I’ll try to fill you in over the next little while, I know you can barely contain your excitement, but try to give it a shot.

I was in the delivery room when the little guy was born. You know how people say that child birth is a beautiful miracle? They lied. It’s a miracle alight, but there is nothing beautiful about it. Believe me, there are just some things you can’t un-see. But he is a cool little dude, which is pretty awesome.

So the little guy has definitely been keeping me busy. He turned one a few weeks ago, which is pretty cool. We like him so much, my wife has decided that she wants to have another one. I don’t know whether that is because she really wants another baby, or she wants another year of mat leave. Either way, I like how this plays out for me, at least until she gets pregnant.

She’s pretty serious about it this time. She even picked up ovulation kits so she knows when it is the “right time”. She said to me, “You know, when I am ovulating, we may have to have sex four or five nights in a row.”

“What am I? 25 or something? There’s no way I can go four nights in a row. Besides, it’s hockey season, and all the TV shows are all new again. I have shit to do. I just don’t have that kind of time.” Yes, I know, I’m quite a romantic.

She even got a special lube called “Pre Seed”. I wish I was making that up. I think the Weed Man sold me something like that for my lawn last spring. I hope it’s not the same stuff. That could get pretty awkward, especially if it makes our genital regions green, thick and lush, just like my lawn. Not sure whether we’ll need a shot of penicillin or a hit of Weed-B-Gone.

It's 2012!

Okay kids, it's a couple of days into 2012 and I thought that it's probably a good time to sit down and come up with some New Year’s Resolutions. But then I thought that was probably a pretty stupid idea, since in my entire life I have never kept one resolution I’ve ever made, so why would 2012 be any different. So instead, I thought that I’d maybe come up with a few goals for the new year. I’ve actually achieved a few goals, so maybe I’ll have a better chance at actually getting something done this year.

In no particular order, my goals for 2012 are:

1.    Become a back up dancer for Lady GaGa, Britney or other pop star - Let’s be honest, I have the moves. I can cut a rug like nobody’s business. You don’t believe me? Check this out! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xGPV6r4N5yI. I guess with that as my audition reel, I’ll be on the road in my tights in no time at all.

2.    Play defense for the Leafs – The Leafs need another old, slow, out of shape stay at home defenseman with no hands, on their roster. I do have a good shot, although it’s only a good shot for “D” level men’s beer league, but hey, the way the talent is getting diluted in the NHL, I figure it’s only a matter of time.

3.    Become a jockey – This one might be tough to achieve, but you know, I have to put it on the list. Ever since I’ve discovered how to bet on the ponies, I’ve always wanted to ride one too. Sure, I may be about a foot too tall and a couple hundred pounds too heavy, but you gotta have dreams. Besides, if they don’t hire me, maybe I can take it to the Human Rights Commissions and score a big payday so I can finally have a down payment on a house!

4.    Marry a Kardashian – I just figure that would be a good way to spend a weekend. Plus, it’s a TV credit. Sure, my wife might have a problem with it, and rightly so, but again, it’s only a weekend.

5.    Eat a Vegetable without gagging – I put this one on the list, but I’m not convinced it can happen. And I’m not sure I want it to. I mean Warren Buffet, one of the richest men in the world doesn’t eat vegetables, and he’s rich. Sportscaster Al Michaels doesn’t eat vegetables, and he’s one of the best sportscasters out there. Jay Leno doesn’t eat vegetables and he’s a, well, Jay’s got a TV show. That’s good. Sure, maybe he’s not funny, but he’s on TV. You know what, maybe I’ll try to eat a vegetable.

Oh sure, there are other goals for the year like the usual stuff like losing weight, exercising more and drinking less. But we’ll see how it goes. Hope all of you kids have a great year!

Update and Stuff

November has been an amazing month for me. I feel bad saying that, because I never like to admit that things are going well. It’s one of those things where I think that if I say it out loud, I’ll jinx it or something.

It all started back in early November when I got to head down to the Boston Comedy Festival. I’ve never been to a festival before, so this was pretty cool. I had also never been to Boston before, so that was pretty cool too. I flew down on Sunday night and just relaxed at my hotel. Monday, I took care of some day job stuff in the morning and then shortly after noon, I took off to tour downtown Boston. What a nice city. I took a tour of Fenway Park, which was amazing. I would love to actually check out a game there one day. Certainly has a bit more atmosphere than the Rogers Center. After that, I bummed around Boston Common, Bunker Hill and of course, had to go have a beer at Cheers.

That night, I was supposed to meet up with an old buddy from university and we were going to check out the Bruins / Islanders game either live or at a pub somewhere. Unfortunately, about 5 o’clock, he messaged me and said that the trains running into the city from where he lives were canceled and he likely couldn’t make it down. That kind of sucked. But then I thought about it and said screw it. I went over to the TD Garden and found a scalper and ended up picking up a ticket for the game. Why not? I am in Boston, there is a game going on, my night’s plans fell through and really, when am I going to be in Boston again.

The ticket I picked up was 22 rows from the ice and the face value on it was $72. I got it for $85. Hell, the same ticket in Toronto has a face value on it of $165. So needless to say, I got a great deal, at least in my mind. Went to the game and what an atmosphere. Holy crap! Compared to going to a game at the ACC this was phenomenal. The crowd was into it from the drop of the puck, and the beers were only $7.50. I feel like I made money on the night.

The next day, I did some more touristy type stuff and then headed up to do my show at Davis Square Theater in, oddly enough, Davis Square, which is in Somerville, just north of the city. I will be honest in that it wasn’t my best set ever. I wasn’t bad, but I only had 5 minutes, and for some reason, I felt super rushed, and I think it showed. I got laughs in all the spots where I was supposed to, but probably not as strong a laugh as they would have been had I been more relaxed. After the show, I got to hang out and chat with a few of the Boston comics as well as the festival organizer. It was a great time and I’m very happy that I got the chance to do it. I think that if I do it again, I’ll fly in on the day of my show and stick around after to enjoy more of the festival.

On Wednesday, I flew back to Toronto and then drove up to Ottawa for a weekend of shows in Ottawa with Matt Bergman out of Buffalo and Jason Laurans. As always, a great week of shows, but the Saturday early show was unlike anything I’ve ever been part of. It was amazing!! The crowd was magical that night. The laughter, the applause, the pounding on the tables. It was truly unreal. Luckily though, we had a tired and drunk late show crowd which brought me back to earth and humbled me in a meaningful way. But even with that, I had an awesome weekend and am already looking forward to heading back there.

This past weekend, I had the pleasure of doing shows up at the Mansion House in Barrie with Barry Taylor and Chris Quigley. Everything I have heard about Barrie was true. I was doing one of my jokes where I have to dance around and some hillbilly yelled out for me to take off my shirt. People-there are just some things you can’t un-see. I can’t do that to an audience of people. But still, it was a fun weekend.

This coming weekend (November 23 -27) I’ll be at Absolute Comedy in Toronto hosting for Ward Anderson and Mike Takacs. I’m really looking forward to it and it should be a fun weekend. If you’re in town, you should drop on by.

Just what I needed!

Over the past couple of years, life has been so busy. I'm not complaining, but merely stating a fact. Between my day job, my relationship and wedding plans, hockey and other commitments, one of the things that has ended up getting pushed aside has been working on comedy. That doesn't mean I haven't been doing shows or working on my act, because I have. But I haven't been working on it as much as I probably should. I had gotten out of the habit of hitting open mic's on a weekly basis. And to be honest, a lot of the time I did go out, it ended up being a waste of time. So it almost became a self fulfilling thing where I began to wonder if it was worth leaving the house.

Well tonight I had a show that gave me reason and inspiration to get out an really start hustling again. I popped into Betty's to do a spot on Brian Coughlin's Corktown Comedy show. There wasn't much of a crowd, in fact there may not have been a real audience member there when it did my set. But it felt good. It felt alright. It felt like it used to. I decided that I wanted to really work on new stuff tonight. Not all of it worked. Hell, probably more than half of it didn't work. But one bit that I came up with a couple of weeks ago did.

I had forgotten what it feels like to have a new bit work right out of the gate. The bit is still small and has tons of room to grow, but I love it. And I love the feeling I got tonight. It reminded me of why I do comedy and why I don't think I could ever quit doing comedy.

Thank you Dunsford

Had the privilege of doing a show at the Nestle In Resort up in Dunsford, a little town just outside Bobcaygeon, which is a little town just north west of Peterborough. Shows at trailer parks are the types of shows that kind of scare you at first. You never really know what to expect. It could be a bunch of drunken hillbillies drinking moonshine right from the still, or in the case of Saturday, a great group of people who own RV's at a nice resort as a great way to get away for the weekend. Oh sure, some of them were drunk. Okay, most of them were drunk. And some may have been hillbillies, but dammit, they were a hell of a lot of fun.

I was on the show with Brian Hope and Andrew Evans. I know, shocking. I never work with those guys. But hey, I'll do a fun show with my friends any day of the week. Brian as MC was at his best, easily working the crowd, milking every laugh out of them. Evans as closer tore the roof off that barn with the highlight being his making fun of the guy with the eye patch. One of those things you had to be there to see. Me as middle, well, it may not have been my best show ever. Probably not even in my top 10, top 25, or even top 100. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't bad or anything, but I can be honest and say that I wasn't as sharp as I've been at other times. But if I were to rate shows on how much fun I had while being on stage, I would say that this one was easily in my top 5.

It was one of those shows where from the second I got on the stage, I was having fun. I was in the moment, just rolling with it, having a great time. It was one of those nights where I didn't have to worry if I was being me, or if I was being too dirty, or if I was doing too much time, or whatever, I could just relax, have fund and do what I do and that is tell jokes to people on stage. Oh sure, technically there are a ton of things I could have done better, crowd work for example but as far as having a great time on stage, I was on. The crowd seemed to enjoy themselves too, every joke seemed to hit reasonably well, which is as important as me having a good time. But for me, given that my last show was just a horrible experience from start to finish, this was just what I needed to remind me why I love doing comedy and how important doing comedy is to me.

What is the matter with people?

I did a show tonight at a place that shall remain nameless to protect the guilty. Tonight, there were 5 fundraisers in the building. The show started off well enough. The crowd was relatively attentive and seemed to listen. The opener went up and did okay for about 5 minutes. After that,  the crowd just started talking. At one point it got so bad that the opener said to a table of women "if you guys don't shut up, I am going to come over there and take a shit in your mouth." Classy. Needless to say,  the rest of his set was a bit of a struggle.

The host goes up and does what he does and then brings me up. From the second I got on stage, people were texting, and chatting. People who were listening were laughing but as more people started chatting and texting, it became more and more of a struggle. Again, people who were listening were enjoying the show, but I feel bad for them. They came to a show and didn't get as good a show as they could have because of the insensitive fucktards who were disrupting the show.

Here's a tip - if you want to chat and text, stay the fuck home. I would rather perform for 50 people who are interested in the show than 100 where half the crowd would apparently rather be anywhere but the show. And when you talk and text, you risk screwing up the entire show for everyone. So I guess what I'm saying is shut the hell up or I'll send them opener over to "take a shit in your mouth."

Peterborough Here I come!

I grew up in Peterborough. I'll be honest, when I lived there, I hated it. I couldn't wait to get the hell out of there. But now that I'm older, it's weird how much I really like the place. It's one of those places that I probably wouldn't hate living in again at some point in time. It's a nice little town. Probably not a bad place to raise a family. I was up there on Wednesday and driving around, it's amazing how much the place has changed, yet how much of it is still the same. All the crazy memories come flooding back - playing hockey at the tennis courts on Barnardo Ave, Thursday night movies at the zoo, , trying to steal the population sign, passing out and sleeping the night in King Edward Park (I've never been more proud!), late nights on the river in a boat, and of course my years spent working at the Beer Store on Lansdowne. Everywhere I went in town, I was "the beer guy". Even 10 years after I left, I was in a bar and some dude called me "the beer guy".

So on Saturday night, it will be fun to head "home" and do a show at Johnny Eh's on Water Street. On the show with me are two of my very good friends, Brian Hope and Andrew Evans. I'm hosting, so I'm not sure whether I'll do my regular stuff, or whether I'll tell a bunch of stories about growing up there. I guess we'll have to see how I feel when I get there. But it will be a fun show. And after, maybe we'll head on down the street to Riley's to see if I can't pull a Sebastain Bach and get tossed out of the place for being totally shitfaced and mocking the piano player and spitting wine on the manager. Or maybe I can head on down to the Red Dog and see what local celebs are passed out at the bar. Or maybe I'll just watch a bit of CHEX TV and reminisce about the olden days when they couldn't get the weather forecast right. Wednesday was such a long time ago.

Good times. See you Saturday Peterborough!

I’m fading away to nothing`

That's right kiddies, I've been on a health kick since the start of the year and I'm now down close to 20 pounds. I knew I was fat, but you don't realize how fat you are until you're not as fat as you were. Shirts seem to fit better. My gut doesn't hang over my belt the same way it did before. Although, I'm a little pissed, I bought a really nice belt from the big man's store last year, and in the next few months, if thing keep going the way they're going, I'm going to have to get a new belt. That's just bullshit!

I had lost a ton of weight before by doing Atkins. Atkins is not a bad way to do it, but it's tough to keep it off. When I did Atkins I lost 60 pounds in 9 months. Sure, cutting carbs is a great way to shed pounds, but once you break an ankle and are on crutches eating nothing but pizza and drinking beer for 12 weeks, it's amazing how quickly that weight comes back. I think I put on about 30 pounds in 12 weeks, and then slowly put about a total of 75 back on over the next couple of years. So this time around, I thought I'd try something different and radical. It's called portion control. Have you ever heard of it? Under this crazy scheme, I'm eating the total calories I would need if I weighed my ideal weight. Based on that, I apparently need about 2400 calories per day. So I'm right now trying to only eat between 2,000 and 2,250 per day, and amazingly, the weight's been coming off. Not nearly as quickly as it did before mind you, but at least by doing it this way, once the weight is off, I should theoretically be used to eating the right number of calories per day so I should be able to keep it off. We'll see.

I do need to be careful not to lose too much though. I bought a tux for my wedding in August and I'm dangerously close to not being able to wear it. I'm all for getting healthy, but I'm also cheap. I need to find the right balance.

I’m Apparently way too Dirty for Comedy

I recently had the opportunity to play some shows at a comedy club. To be honest, I've kind of had a rough time at this particular club, at least compared to the stories I hear from other comics. For whatever reason, I had been having a tough time getting the crowd to like me on a consistent basis. That had pretty much changed the last couple of times I was there, and this time around, judging by crowd response and the number of people who came up to me afterwards and told me that they loved me. Apparently they liked me. I was now getting solid laughs on pretty much every joke I told. It's a nice feeling. I even had the booker/owner tell me after the Friday show that one of his regulars who had been to well over 60 shows thought our Friday night show was one of the best he had ever seen.

So imagine my surprise when I am chatting with the booker/owner after the last show and he tells me that I'm way too dirty for his club and if I want to work there again, I basically need to rewrite my entire act. In his opinion, my act is pure filth. It is apparently filled with nothing but shit jokes and vulgar, dirty sex jokes. Now I will be the first to admit that I am not a squeaky clean comic. I am probably not even in the top 100 for a clean corporate show, but I am not way too dirty to work a comedy club. Yes, I have two jokes, and one line about poo. I have a joke about my dog eating shoelaces, a joke about bowel buddies and a line about my most recent physical. That is it. In total, we're looking at maybe 3 minutes of material out of my act. Maybe. And this time around, I was very cognizant to not do all of them on the same night. I did actually on the amateur night when I needed to use a lot more of my material, and I did on one of the weekend shows when I ended up having to do about 35 minutes all told. So yeah, on those shows, I had probably 3 minutes of shit jokes.

As far as the vulgar dirty sex jokes, I think that I might use the term vagina once in my act. I have even recently been using the term Hoo-Ha just to take the edge off of it. Yeah, I do have some sexual references, but none of them are vulgar or explicit. I would say that maybe half of my jokes (and that's probably over estimating), have some reference to sex in them. Most of the jokes are about how I'm an idiot when it comes to those things. They are not sexist or homophobic in any way. Also, I should point out that while I do occasionally swear in my act, it is not excessive, and in fact on a lot of shows, I only swear on two jokes I tell, and depending on the venue, I may not even swear then. So I really don't understand where this perception of me being a dirty filthy comic is coming from.

And here's an even more interesting fact about my latest visit. I brought in maybe 5 to 7 minutes of new material that I didn't do my last time around at the club, and they were clean with no sexual overtones or shit references. Yet this time around, I'm way too dirty. I don't get it.

But probably the most frustrating part in all of this is that I really didn't get a good chance to talk to the booker / owner after the fact. I never got a chance to really defend myself. I really don't know what to do. So, I guess I'll just start writing nothing but jokes about Tim Horton's, the difference between men and women, and of course the old staple, airline food.

Things I’ve learned

This past weekend, my fiancé and I spent the weekend in Niagara Falls. It was so nice to get away for the weekend. But more importantly, I learned a few very valuable life lessons. They are:

1. Leaving my house to drive to Niagara Falls at 4 PM on the Friday before March break is not a good idea. But the upside, we were able to turn a drive that normally takes an hour and a half into a 3 hour drive. You can't do that every day.
   
2. When playing video blackjack, it is important, nope, make that critical, that you actually pay attention to how much you're betting. I was doing well, making some money. Hell, I'm a high roller (coincidentally the name of my Thursday night hockey team too – The High Rollers). I was playing $20 – CANADIAN. That's like $20.60 American. Anyway, I had turned my $20 into about $42. I got cocky thinking this game was going to pay for our whole trip, and then all of the sudden, over the course of 4 hands I was down to $2. WTF? Well apparently, if you're not careful, your bet keeps getting pushed higher so instead of betting $1 or $2 per hand, you're betting $10. It's good if you win, but if you suck at the game like me, it kind of hurts.
   
3. When filling up the Jacuzzi tub, it is important that you wait until you wait until the water level is over the jets before you turn it on, otherwise you will need a mop and a squeegee, and the towels hanging 10 feet across the room that were previously dry will need to be wrung out over the tub.
   
4. Apparently bubble bath in a Jacuzzi tub is also a no no. Lesson learned.
   
5. Everybody in Niagara Falls wants a tip. People there must be the lowest paid people in the world because everybody had their hand out for a tip. Hey, if you're a server and do a good job, I will tip you handsomely. If you're a bus driver, sorry pal, no tip for you. But the absolute best was in the bathroom at the old casino. There was a "Tip Jar" in the bathroom. There were no bathroom attendants, or other staff anywhere to be found, yet there was a tip jar. And here's the worst part, there was money in it. Real live folding money - $5 Bills, $10 Bills and even a $20 Bill. How big of a mess did a dude make that he felt obligated to leave a $20 tip to nobody?
   
6. The Outback Steakhouse is overpriced and shitty when compared to the Keg. $11 for a Cesar? Really? And that is without naked ladies dancing around a pole! Unbelievable!
   
7. Cheesy haunted houses scare me. Always have. Always will. I remember one time I was about 11 and was in the falls with my family. My sister who was about 6 at the time wanted to go into a haunted house. So, my dad pays the admission and we walk down the stairs. When the door opened and I saw that it was dark, I totally freaked out. While my 6 year old sister enjoyed the haunted house, I sat in the ticket booth with the lady until my family was done. Incidentally, that's some pretty good parenting when my parents would leave me with a complete stranger in a ticket booth rather than miss out on a haunted house. No wonder I'm messed up.
   

That is all.

Shameless Begging for a good cause!

As you may know, I'm playing in the upcoming Baycrest Pro/Am hockey tournament which helps raise money for Alzheimer's research. It is a great tournament where you get to play with and against former NHL players, with all proceeds going to the Baycrest Foundation. If you'd be at all interested in sponsoring me in this worthy cause, please make your donation at http://my.e2rm.com/personalPage.aspx?SID=2879907&Lang=en-CA

I also have raffle tickets available for sale. There are a few prizes including premium raptors tickets as well as dugout seats for the Blue Jays home opener. Tickets are $25 each or 4 for $100. If you're interested in purchasing a ticket, email me at dave@davepaterson.ca.

Thanks!

It was in Bobcaygeon

This past weekend, I had a show up in Bobcaygeon, which was a fundraiser for the Sturgeon Falls Thunder hockey team. I was hosting the show with the hilarious Nile Seguin headlining with Tyler Morrison doing the middle spot. We tried unsuccessfully to get Bobcaygeon fan favourite Angry Andrew Evans to do a spot, but he wasn't up for it. That's fine though, we didn't need him anyway. The crowd was fun. Hell, anytime you can get 150 drunken hockey parents in a lounge at the local arena, you know you're in for a treat! Sadly, or fortunately, depending on how you look at it, I wasn't propositioned for a 3-some.

The only downside of the night was the drive home. During the show a snowstorm had rolled through and made driving a bit of a challenge. I hate to sound like a pussy, whining about driving in Canada in the winter, but let's face it, I am a pussy about driving in winter in Canada. I'm not sure what the worst part of the drive was, the country roads that hadn't seen a plow yet or the 401 where it was a free for all with the lane choices. I think we must have seen about half a dozen cars that had driven into the median. But, we made it home okay and nobody got hurt. I did end up missing last call though, so I really wasn't too happy about that.

I also did a fun little show last night at a place called the Charlotte Room. It is a monthly show organized by Robin Crossman and Chris MacLean. It runs on the last Monday of the month. It was a very solid lineup with funny comics like Andrew Evans, Todd Van Allen, and Brendan McKeigan. It was fun. Drinks were too expensive, but the show was good. Fortunately, I was still a little "tender" from Sunday when I ended up going out for a "couple of beers" to send Dave Tsonos off, who has decided to leave the beach and become homeless in his quest for comedy fame. I'm likely buying a new TV in the next few days, so I'll be sure to keep the box for him so he'll have someplace to play when he gets back from his western tour. I should have known it was going to be a troublesome night when I uttered those words, "I don't think it'll be a late night." WRONG. Oh well, what can you do?

This coming weekend I'm doing a couple of shows. I'm hosting Balmy Comedy at the Fill Station in the beaches. It's a mix of standup and sketch. Show starts at 8, so you know "it won't be a late night" (wink, wink). Saturday, I'm doing Club 54. Still not sure if I'm headlining or middling, but I'm doing a spot anyway. Should be fun.

I’ve discovered these things called books

Have you heard of these things? They're like movies that haven't been filmed yet. But in all seriousness, I would like to kick my Grade 10 English teacher, Mr. Passmore, right in the balls. In school, I was always more of a math, business, accounting type of a student. I had no interest in literature or poetry or any of that shit. So I would really struggle to read any of the books in English class. They were boring, lame, and just seemed like a waste of time. And then when I did read the book, I was made to feel like I was an idiot because I didn't understand the symbolism. Well excuse me for not knowing that a red sky at night symbolized the end of an era or some bullshit like that. Who the hell cares? To me, the red sky at night symbolized the sun was going down. Apparently you can't take things literally in literature and if you do, you're a tool. So because of that, I vowed never to read a book again. That bastard had taken all of the fun out of it for me.

So since then, I've read, but it has always been as research for jobs, or projects, or jokes and stuff. To me, reading was not fun because I "didn't get it". In fact, from the time I was in Grade 10 until January 3 of this past year, I had not read a complete book, and I had never picked up a book as recreation. I read the newspaper, magazines and gossip websites, but never a book. Hell, if the book was that good, they'd make it into a movie and all would be right in the world. However, thanks to the whole Conan / Jay Leno fiasco and a book entitled "The Battle for Late Night" by Bill Carter, all of that changed. I was thoroughly engrossed in that book. It was interesting. It was very cool. I enjoyed reading that book so much that I even downloaded a Kobo Reader App for my netbook and my Blackberry and I've been reading tons for the past few weeks. Hell, I've finished about 4 books so far this year. In a month and a half, I've read more than I had in my entire life up until the end of last year. Most of what I've been reading have been bios from Comedians and Musicians. I guess I'm very interested in the subject matter, so it helps. I've found that it's actually not a bad way to unwind before bed. I wish I'd have known that before.

Anyway, if you know any good books I should read, let me know. I may just actually read them.

Adventures in Healthcare

So it looks as though the saga of my knee continues. Yesterday, when I was at the clinic being told I was too fat to get an x-ray, I was told that I should check out the hospital. So, I called the hospital this morning looking to book an appointment. However, the hospital will not my book an appointment from me directly, it must come from the doctor. So, I called the doctor to book the x-ray appointment for me, however the clinic tells me that the doctor who saw me yesterday won't be in the office until next week and that I should just go over to the hospital myself and visit the emergency room. You know, because a knee injury that happened a month ago is definitely an emergency. Wow, health care at its finest.

So, I load up the car and head out to the hospital hoping to get an x-ray. I walked into the emergency room and it looks as though it is an extras casting for the AMC show The Walking Dead. There are people littered all around the room with various fluids oozing out of their heads, moaning, crying, looking as white as ghosts. There are also a handful of men sitting around with various parts of their body elevated sitting beside a worried looking woman. I wonder who is making them go to the hospital? I'm also told that there is at least a 2 to 3 hour wait.

I end up talking to an EMT dude who refers me to a clinic just around the corner. I pop in and explain my knee situation to the doctor, who then pulls out his handy referral sheet to send me for an x-ray. When I see his referral sheet is to the clinic that I was going to yesterday, I say "I can't go to that clinic because I was there yesterday and am apparently too fat for an x-ray." The doctor looked at me with quite a sense of puzzlement. He said "you are not too fat for an x-ray. Sure, you are overweight. Yes, your knee is a little bit swollen, but that shouldn't be a problem." I then explained the situation that their table can only hold up to 250 pounds. Again, he looks at me with one of the more confused looks on ever seen from a human being and he said "but it is an x-ray clinic. They take x-rays. How can their table only hold 250 pounds? X-ray tables are huge." Exactly!

Although, to be honest, I'm not so sure I really trust the doctor. When he started looking at my knee, he seemed to be having too much fun poking around with the fluid on it saying "I can see that it is squishy. Look. It is all squishy." I am not a doctor. I do not play a doctor on TV. In fact, I do not even watch Dr. shows on TV. That said, I am pretty sure that squishy is not a medical term. Not exactly a way to instill confidence in your abilities there Doc. But, the upside, in 3 to 5 business days I will have wonderful pictures of my knee. Hopefully, I can keep it.

Danforth/Main X-Ray Can kiss my fat ass!!

So yesterday, after what has been a few weeks with my banged up knee, I finally went to the doctor at a local walk in clinic. The pain is pretty much gone, but the fluid just doesn't seem to want to go away. So the doctor sends me to an X-Ray clinic across the street. I get there and wait about 45 minutes. After 45 minutes, I get in and they do an ultrasound on my knee. I guess the swelling is such that they wanted to see the sex of the baby I'm carrying in my knee. After that, they put me in a little a little cubicle where I wait for another 15 minutes for my X-Ray. After about 15 minutes, the lady at the X-Ray Clinic comes over and asks how much I weigh. I tell her, and then she says "Oh. That's going to be a problem. Our X-Ray table can only hold 250 pounds." AT AN X-RAY CLINIC? Are you shitting me? Look, I know I'm a fat piece of shit, but you're telling me that an X-Ray Clinic, place who's only purpose is to take X-Rays of people only has a table that can support 250 pounds!!! Unfuckingbelievable. She then tells me "you can try Toronto East General. They have a table that can support up to 500 pounds." I said "thanks. That gives me time to hit the buffet." By the time I lose enough weight to fit on their table my knee will either be healed or have fallen off.

Insert Witty Title Here

I love this time of year in hockey. All the trades that get done, all leading up to the annual snoozefest known as Trade Deadline Day! But if nothing else, it gives me a good reason to take an afternoon off work. Like I need a reason – "it's sunny. Well then I'd better take the afternoon off and enjoy it." "We're out of cheese. Well I can't work under these conditions."

I see that Ottawa sent Fisher to Nashville. He probably wanted to go there for his wife, country singer Carrie Underwood. Now maybe it's just me, but wouldn't it be funny, hilarious and ironic if the NHL moved Nashville to Quebec or Winnipeg? If you think Ms. Underwood didn't like Ottawa, imagine her in Quebec City. I'm sure she'll fit in nicely there.

The Leafs sent Versteeg to the Flyers for a draft pick that Burke is now going to trade away. Nice work Burkie. Nice work. I also hear that Kaberle is willing to be traded to Boston. Maybe with any luck Burke can trade Kaberle for the draft picks he gave up when he picked up Kessel. Then he can maybe trade those away to pick up somebody useful like Chris Chelios or maybe Gretzky.

What a “Lively” weekend

This weekend, I had the privilege of performing alongside Winston Spear and Dave Tsonos up in Lively. If you've never been to Lively, it's a nice little town just south of Sudbury. The show was part of the Walden Winter Carnival. The show was a lot of fun. Hell, anytime you get to tell jokes in front of 350 people who want to laugh, it's always a pleasure. Not to mention, I got to perform with Tsonos and Winston. I have seen Winston a few times and every time he never fails to deliver. If you've never seen him, get off your ass and do it. He starts his set with a hilarious dance and then moves nicely into very funny, clever jokes. I am amazed at how this man's mind works. It was truly a pleasure to watch.

After the show, Tsonos and I hit the "club scene" in Sudbury. We ended up at a place called the Night Club. What an original name! We get there and there is a band playing pop punk stuff like Green Day and Blink 182. Then they started to do heavy versions of Lady Gaga and other poppy shit. Hilarious and oddly catchy. But I would say the highlight of the night was the fact that attached to the Night Club was Sudbury's strip joint Diamonds. I have never seen anything like this before. The only thing separating the strip joint from the regular bar was a doorway that didn't even have a door. What a concept – take your date out for a few drinks and if things aren't going well, sneak into the strip club every once in a while to catch a glimpse of some naked ladies. I guess you'd hope she's not doing the same thing. Earlier in the night Tsonos was commenting that he never went to strip joints and it wasn't really his thing. Yet he was the one checking it out every 10 minutes looking for a show. I showed considerably more restraint and only checked every 20 minutes to see if there was a show going on. Sadly, we did not get to see any of the strippers do their thing, although I did catch a glimpse of one of the strippers – picture me in a bikini. Now you don't have to go to Diamonds. You're welcome.

With most road trips with comics, the best part of the trip is the car ride. Anytime you have 3 or 4 comics in a car for several hours on end, it can be very entertaining. I've often thought that it would make for a great TV show to rig a car up with cameras and just let the comics go for the length of a road trip. It would make for a very funny show. This trip was no exception. Some of the things that Winston was coming up with were unbelievable. Very funny stuff.

My next big show is in Bobcaygeon on February. 26. I don't know much more than that, but I'll definitely keep you posted.